The 10 Most Effective Ways to Ensure a Top Recruiting Class

by Allen Kellogg

Oxford, Mississippi

1. Croots dig shiny things

Much like fish, croots are attracted to shiny objects. Chrome helmets are a good start, but what sets a program over the edge is to make your football facilities look like a Vegas strip club. Black lights and LEDs are the norm. Throw away your traditional uniforms and replace them with one off alternates that you will only wear once.

2. Don’t use cash

Cash is easy to trace and 18 year-olds have a nasty habit of posting stacks of money on Twitter or Instagram. Easy way around this is to pay croots in Bitcoin. Bitcoins are worth serious money and they can swap it for cash in a way that looks legal. Plus the NCAA has no idea what a Bitcoin is. Your school needs to stay ahead of the curve.

3. Don’t just croot the croot, croot the whole family

A famous starship captain once said, “The quickest way into a woman’s pants is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.” While sexual relations with a croot’s mother is generally frowned on, the basic idea remains the same. Take the kid’s mom out to a nice dinner and evening entertainment. Make her want to have sex with your coach. That way you can keep them hanging on your every word. Some coaches do go the extra mile and will bang a croot’s mom. A certain Florida head coach said, “Smashing that dudes mom was sweet, he is in the other room and had no idea we getting nasty.”

4. Not all bagmen are created equal

Some guys can bring more to the table than others. It pays to have bagmen involved in car dealerships or real estate. These guys can work out “special deals” and because these are private contracts the NCAA can’t subpoena them. One bag man for an SEC team owns a Dodge dealership and provides his school’s croots with complimentary Chargers and Challengers

5. Compartmentalize everything

Chances are the NCAA will come an knocking when they see 5 stars not going to Alabama or Ohio State. You need to protect yourself and your school. Remember ignorance is bliss and you can always blame the fall guy.

6. Have a fall guy

Chris Carter was right. Having a fall guys isn’t immoral, it’s just good business. You need a discreet individual who can claim to be a lone wolf when it comes to recruiting violations. The best ones also are able to take responsibility for future crimes you or a player may commit.

7. Always be tweeting

Many coaches will talk about the ABC’s (Always Be Crootin’), but they forget their ABT’s. Tweeting at high school and middle school kids is a great way to show croots how awesome your fan base is. Don’t let your paid staff do it, but rather recruit a group of sexy co-eds to entice potential croots. If your school doesn’t have enough sexy, willing co-eds, just create fake profiles and catfish them. Embellish the truth as much as possible. Most croots don’t take the time to distinguish facts from alternative facts. Lies are your friend.

8. Point out problems with other schools 

…or just make them up. You’re crooting against other institutions. Some schools may have very public scandals, but most do not. You need to invent nasty rumors surrounding competing programs. Examples are: “That coach is going to leave for a new job” or “It’s a good school, but the student body is racist” etc.

9. Bribe high school coaches

Paying players is against the rules, but there’s no rule saying you can’t pay high school coaches to lobby his best player to come to your school. A high school coach is like a father figure and many players trust their coach’s judgment more than their parents. You can take advantage of that trust for your school’s benefit.

10. Online classes

Going to class is time consuming and boring when you are a football player. Up sell your school’s online programs and how this will mean that the player will hardly ever actually need to be in a classroom. Online classes offer the advantage that a tutor can do the work for your players, and it is much harder to trace. If your school doesn’t offer extensive online options, why not? Seriously, it’s 2017.

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Virginia to Cancel the Commonwealth Cup, seeks rival to replace Virginia Tech

 

by Allen Kellogg
Charlottesville, Virginia

 
University of Virginia Athletic Director, Craig Littlepage, announced Virginia would be dropping Virginia Tech from its annual schedule. ACC presidents convened in Charlotte, North Carolina over the weekend and are expected to approve the proposal as early as Thursday. The divisions are to be realigned, with Wake Forrest and Virginia Tech switching places. Now UVA and Virginia Tech will only play each other on the sixth week’s Friday every six years.

“This was not an easy decision to make,” Littlepage said. “The series was so one sided we decided to abandon it for Virginia Tech’s sake.” Despite the series being 56-37-5 in favor of Virginia Tech and VT being on a 12 game win streak in the series, Littlepage insisted these numbers are just facts perpetuated by fake news.

“Virginia Tech is falsely claiming wins that are not theirs,” Littlepage said. “VPI (Virginia Polytechnic Institute) is not Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech doesn’t even have the letter ‘P’ in their name. The ACC also has no record of Virginia Tech playing UVA after 2003. This means the all time series between our schools is actually 37-18-1 in favor of Virginia. Since UVA has won twice as many games as Virginia Tech in this series, we are canceling it and looking for a new in-state rival which we be more competitive with our institution.”

When asked how 13 years of football history could just disappear, an ACC official from Duke said that every reporter in the country had received bad information from a fake news site and that those games had never been played. An official from UNC contradicted this claim saying that all those records had been lost in a fire and thus never counted.

The University of Virginia is now accepting applications to find a new in-state rival. Richmond, James Madison, and William and Mary are the front runners, but several other schools including, Virginia Military Institute (VMI), Old Dominion (ODU), Virginia Commonwealth (VCU), George Mason (GMU), Liberty, Randolph Mason, and Thomas Nelson Community College have submitted bids as well. Candidate schools are expected to have academic standard similar to UVA and allow all of the future games to be scheduled in Charlottesville. Richmond athletic director Keith Gill said he was happy to be considered as a potential rival to UVA and that he hoped beating the Cavaliers 37-20 last season would not hurt his school’s chances.

“What we are looking for is a school that we can be proud to associated with. A school that shares our love of wine and cheese parties and comes dressed to football games like they are going to church,” UVA president Teresa Sullivan said. “Thomas Jefferson founded our university in 1819. He would be ashamed to know that we have been playing a tractor school like Virginia Tech all these years. Our goal is to find a school that would make Jefferson proud.”

Reaction in Blacksburg was mixed. Most students appeared upset about losing the only thing they could brag about to their friends in Charlottesville. Others reacted more positively saying they were excited to be moved into a division that actually cared about football.

“Florida State, Clemson, and Louisville. You know, real football schools,” Virginia Tech senior Chip Skoal said. “I am excited to travel to schools and go to tailgates where the fans drink bourbon instead of Zima. Places where you won’t get talked down to because your pastel shorts are dirty and you aren’t wearing Sperrys.”

Matthew McConaughey and the Decline of the University of Texas Football

by Allen Kellogg
Austin, Texas

 

Matthew McConaughey is single handedly running the athletics of the University of Texas into the ground.

 

You’re probably thinking, “wow what a dumb thing to say, Matthew McConaughey is Texas’s favorite son,” but is he really?

 

Here is Texas football wins over the last 8 season plotted against Matthew McConaughey’s popularity;

 
Pretty damning. If that’s not enough here is McConauhey’s perceived acting ability mapped against recent UT football events;

 
We start our journey back in 2008 which is both the beginning of the so called McConaissance and the collapse of Texas football.

 

2008
Tropic Thunder is released. McConaughey played the minor role of Rick Peck, the agent. His part was small, but McConaughey’s ability to imbue Peck with the faintest hint of sympathy as he struggled with betraying his best friend and owning a Gulf Stream V ultimately rewrote the ending of the picture, as Peck was originally killed off by the film’s villainous Laotian drug cartel. Instead, Stiller reshot an ending where Peck saves his friend and gets his Gulf Stream. It surely made moviegoers h-h-h-h-happy.

This year was not only a turning point for McConaughey, but also for the Longhorns. Texas started the season ranked 11th, but moved up to 5th before the Red River Shootout against then number 1 ranked Oklahoma. Texas went on to defeat the Sooners 45-35 and take the number 1 spot in the polls. Texas went on to win two more games against ranked teams, 11th ranked Missouri and 7th ranked Oklahoma State. Texas faced off against number 6 Texas Tech in Lubbock and was up 33-32 with 8 seconds left when this happened. Texas lost the game and has never seen a number one ranking since.

 

2009
The next season was a great year for Texas football they went undefeated and won a miracle finish against Nebraska in the Big 12 championship game. McConaughey was not in any movies that year, but that year he decided to transform himself from the star of romantic comedies into a serious actor.

Let’s look at this quote from McConaughey him that he said 3 days before Texas faced Alabama in the National Championship game.

“I got to feeling like, for a few years, I was doing something that I liked to do with romantic and action comedies. But believe me, I noticed there were other things that were not coming in. And if they were coming in, it was in an independent form with a much smaller paycheck, and nobody really wanting to get behind them … But I knew I could say no to the things I’d been doing. In saying no to those things, I knew work was going to dry up for awhile … Year and a half, still nothing. At two years, all of a sudden, in my opinion, I became a new good idea for some good directors.”

Colt McCoy was knocked out of the game in the first quarter and Texas collapsed soon after. The Horns fell to Bama 37-21, giving Bama their first Natty of the Saban Era.

 

2010
This was the beginning of the end for the Longhorns. The 2010 season was a disaster. Texas went 5-7, the first losing season in Austin since 1997. McConaughey spent that year filming three of the movies that would redefine him, Lincoln Lawyer, Bernie, and Killer Joe. These three films shattered all conceived opinions about what McConaughey could do as an actor and established him as a serious and talented actor. Quite a dichotomy from the Longhorns who began the season ranked 5th, but would finish the season on a 5 game losing streak to Power 5 teams.

 

2011
McConaughey won his first acting award since 2005 for his role in Bernie. He received widespread acclaim for his power and emotional performance. This year would see the Longhorns finish the season 8-5 with a win over Cal in the Holiday Bowl. The season was full of missed opportunities and poor play. However Texas went 4-5 in conference tying for 6th place with rival A&M. Texas ended the regular season unranked in both the Coaches and AP poll.

 

2012
Texas went 9-4, but still finished the season with 2 straight conference losses and ended the year ranked 23rd in the BCS. 2012 is also the most recent bowl win for Texas, a 31-27 comeback win over Oregon State in the Alamo bowl. While Texas struggled, McConaughey won over thousands of movie goers with his supporting performance of Dallas in Magic Mike. The movie starred Channing Tatum, but McConaughy upstaged him. McConaughey had established himself as a serious actor and rumors began to buzz of a possible academy award in the future. A film critic wrote of his performance in Magic Mike.

“A sleeper hit in 2012 for obvious reasons, Magic Mike attempted to explore the underbelly of seedy male erotica that’s supposedly based on star Channing Tatum’s real-life experiences. However, the true toe-tapping treat for audiences was McConaughey’s club owner and former dancer. Equal parts mentor and nefarious shade of the Ghost of Christmas Future, McConaughey acted as Bette Davis to Tatum’s Anne Baxter. As campy as it is gritty, McConaughey playing the older, grosser side of his rom-com bronze statue from only 10 years prior earned a fervent following that even petitioned for Oscar recognition from its most incredulous of devotees.”

 

2013
This was the year that brought the greatest change to both Texas football and McConaughey. Texas would fired long time coach Mack Brown after a lackluster 8-5 season which ended with blowout loss to Oregon in the Alamo Bowl. While Texas sank McConaughy soared. McConaughey won the Oscar award for best actor, his first academy award. His powerhouse performance in Dallas Buyers Club brought audiences to tears. McConaughey only had a bit part in The Wolf of Wall Street 2013, but it also produced one of his most iconic scene. His rhythmic, thumping chant became famous across the world and is a fixture of Texas home games in Darrell K. Royal. Texas fans think of it as a tribute to their favorite son and a pump up chant for the Horns, but what McConaughey is actually doing is sucking up all the Texas players talent so he can use it to enhance his acting talent. Since McConaughey won that Oscar, Texas has not won more than 6 games in a season.

 

2014
Texas fans were optimistic because of the hiring of Charlie Strong as Head Coach. He was to breathe new life into a stagnant program and bring Texas back into the national spotlight. This would not the case. Charlie Strong was fired this year after a 16-21 record, the worst winning percentage of a HC in Texas history. Some of the lowlights include

 

* Losing to Kansas for the first time since before WW2
* Back to Back losing seasons for the first time in 30 years
* Never beating TCU
* Only Texas Coach in history to never win a bowl game

 

At the same time Matthew McConaughey has reached the pinnacle of his popularity. Some of his highlights include

 

* He received an Emmy nomination for his role in True Detective.
* Becoming the face of Lincoln and revitalizing the brand.
* Leaving audiences across the world sobbing as the watched him star in Interstellar

 

He spoke to the Texas Longhorns in 2014 after a 41-7 asskicking by BYU. Rather than rallying the horns, he stole their energy and passion and redirected it into his career. While he was tearing at the heartstrings of millions, Texas football plummeting off a cliff.

 

His career tract between 2008-2014 has been dubbed the McConaissance by many. Now he is regarded as one of the most talented actors in Hollywood if not the world. Many ask where is innate acting ability had been through his early career.

 

It is clear that McConaughey has stolen the power of the Texas Longhorns for himself. He channeled the energy, talent, and passion of the Texas football team and stole their aura. Similar to how the Mon-Stars stole talent from NBA stars in Space Jam. The question on many people’s mind is where will it end. Now after the worst season for Texas college football teams in 50 years, it is clear he is after all power and energy of all the football teams in Texas.

 

Is there a solution? I think so, but it will not be an easy one. Texas, A&M, Tech, TCU, Houston, Rice, UTEP, UTSA, UNT, and Texas State must unite into a last alliance in order to resist his forces and keep our college football great.

Quotes from:
http://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/matthew-mcconaughey/232542/the-10-steps-of-the-matthew-mcconaughey-mcconaissance
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_McConaughey

Debate over Penn State or Ohio State in the Playoff Committee decided by a single voter

by Allen Kellogg

Lubbock, Texas

 

One of the biggest controversies of the 2016 college football season was Ohio State going to the CFB playoff over Big 10 champions Penn State. Penn State beat Ohio State head to head 24-21 back in October, but was left out of the final four. Ohio State ended up being shut out by Clemson 31-0 in the Fiesta Bowl. While Penn State would go to the Rose Bowl and fall to The Darnold and USC 52-49

 
The vote end up being much closer than was previously believed. Texas Tech Athletic Director, Kirby Hocutt, left Penn State out of his Top 25 entirely which dropped the Nittnay Lions from 4th in rankings to 5th. Hocutt had Ohio State in the number one spot which allowed the Buckeyes to jump from 5th to 3rd in the final ranking.

 
Hocutt said he left Penn State off the ballot because they were, “Yellow-Bellied Cowards” who refused to cooperate with the Red Raiders to in order to schedule a home and home series. He went on to say that any team that lost to Pitt had no place in the CFB playoff and that he voted Ohio State number one the because the Buckeyes wear the color red.

 
Experts are unsure if Penn State would have be able to beat future National Champions Clemson, but they are in unanimous agreement that Penn State would have at least scored a point in the Fiesta Bowl. Simulations show that Penn State would have given the Clemson defense a much tougher test and a more exciting game for fans.

 
The release of Hocutt’s ballot casts doubt on the entire CFB playoff ranking system. It highlights the irregular voting criteria and inherent biases of the playoff committee. While raising skepticism that having a committee made up of twelve individuals is not the best way to determine who are the best teams in the nation. The committee members are not required to make their decisions, criteria, and ballots public. It begs the question, wouldn’t a system of computers, incapable of bias, be a better form of ranking teams?

 
“The Rose Bowl really showed how terrible a team Penn State is particularly on the defensive side of the ball,” Hocutt said, “Penn State plays literally zero defense. They ain’t shit. GooooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOoooooooOOOOooooo Raiders! GUNS UP PUSSY!”

Texas and Texas A&M agree to football game in 2035

by Allen Kellogg
Austin, TX

 
Officials from both the University of Texas and Texas A&M reached an agreement with the help of the state legislature to renew their rivalry on October 2, 2035. The game with be the climax of a five day celebration to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Gonzales and the start of the Texas Revolution.

 
The game will be played in the center of Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth on a giant 1yard= 1 mile scale field in the shape of Texas and painted to look like the Texas flag. It will be 801 yards long by 790 yard high. In order to make the game visible from the stands Texas Longhorns players will be riding longhorn cattle while the A&M players will ride tractors. QB’s will signal for a snap by firing a six-guns into the air.

 
“There are three things we Texans do better than anyone, put on a show, barbecue and football,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott said, “This is game is going to be the greatest show on the planet all to celebrate the greatest nation on God’s green earth. It will put Roman Emperor Commodus’ gladiatorial games to shame.”

 
Texas and A&M won’t be the only football teams playing during the celebration. Every high school football team in Texas is scheduled to travel to Texas Motor Speedway to play in a two day tournament. Eight games will be played on the field at the same time setting a world record for the most football games played at the same time in the same venue. On Sunday the Cowboys and Texans will play to determine who is the official NFL team of Texas. Monday will see the other college football teams in Texas face off. D3 teams will kick off at noon D2 teams are set for a 4:15 kickoff. The night will be capped off UTEP v. UTSA, Houston v. Rice. Texas State v. UNT, Baylor v. Texas Tech, and TCU v. SMU. The games will run concurrently. The finale will be the matchup between Texas and A&M it will be the first time the two school have played since A&M left the Big 12 for the SEC.

 
“I excited for the game,” A&M coach Kevin Sumlin said, “It’s the best rivalry in sports and with the compromising photos I have of our board members there is no way they can fire me before 2035.”

 
One feature of the venue will be a 10 million gallon cowboy hat hovering over the field. Seats can be purchased in the hat for over $30K.

 
“We haven’t figured out how to build a giant cowboy hat and have it float over Texas Motor Speedway, Ranger Walker, a state official, said, “but there is no way it could be more difficult the getting UT and A&M into a room together to negotiate the deal for this game. Compared to that building a 10 million gallon floating cowboy hat should be easy.”

 
When asked if the NCAA would allow such as game to go on Walker said that it doesn’t matter what the NCAA says, the Texas Collegiate Athletic Association has already given it the green light. The NCAA will not be sending official to the game and the referees will be Texas Rangers.

 
Other events during the 5 day celebration will include a 1836ft tall, fire breathing statue of Big Tex , a 5 day endurance race, and a Barbecue competition representing every town in Texas. The Texas Air National Guard will be staging mock dogfights and has announced they will be dropping 24 million Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits on the crowd using B-52s.

 
The endurance race will feature 3 competing teams from Ford, GM, and Dodge all using Texas or Lone Star edition pickup trucks. The winner will be declared the “Toughest Truck In Texas” and the players of the winner of the Texas v. Texas A&M game will all be give a Texas edition truck from the winning company. The losing team will also receive a truck, but they will be tiny Japanese trucks to represent the shame of loosing this game.

 
The barbecue competition will begin on Friday and end on Tuesday. Representatives of every town in Texas are compelled to attend, under penalty of losing state funding to their schools, to see who really is the King of Barbecue. The only rule is that no mustard or vinegar based recipes will be allowed to compete.

 
Attendance over the course of the festival is expected to surpass 1 million, but will be restricted to only native Texans. People wishing to attend must submit their birth certificate or evidence they were born on Texas soil and under a Texas flag in addition to a 100 words or less statement about why Texas is the greatest nation on Earth.

 
“This is a celebration of Texas for Texans,” Gov. Abbott said. “The last thing we want is it to be ruined by Yankees, people with an inferior taste in barbecue, or God forbid Oklahomans.”

Cal sells Infamous 1982 victory over Stanford to Stanford for $450 Million

MOEN

by Allen Kellogg
Berkeley, California

The University of California, Berkeley has agreed to a deal with rival Stanford in which the results of the 1982 Big Game will be reversed to give Stanford a 20-19 win. In return Stanford will pay $450 Million over 9 years to Cal athletics. The money will be used to pay off the $450 million defect Cal athletics has racked up, Mike Williams, the Cal Athletic Director, said.

 
“We are going to use the money responsibly to keep our athletic department afloat,” Williams said, “I promise none of the money will go towards the 24 Karat Gold Jacuzzis I am installing in my 12 new homes.”

 
Cal athletics racked up most of its debt ($321M) by needing to renovate their stadium in order to make it earthquake standards compliant. With a fault line running directly under the stadium, the whole structure was in danger of collapsing during a quake. Cal’s athletic department has been hemorrhaging money and reportedly lost over $20 million in 2016 alone. The university tried several creative ways to finance their new stadium including selling seats for up to 50 years at a cost of $250K. Despite the oblivious value considering the current inflation rate, there were very few takers.

 
“Going to Stadiums and watching sports live is so 20th century,” Cal alum and tech CEO Harmony DeLuccio said, “Why should I pay money when I can stream the game on VR. I can actually watch the game from our 4th string walk-on LB view. You haven’t lived until you have seen football from a players perspective on the bench.”

 
The influx of funds is good news for Cal’s non-revenue sports too. Several sports were on the chopping block including fencing, diving, track and baseball. Cal also announced that 4 more sports will be added in 2018 including Women’s speed walking and Magic the Gathering. Several upgrades to venues have been schedule and will cost a significant amount of money. “Only two fans may be watching us and yeah both those fans are my dads, but they deserve to watch me play competitive table tennis in a luxury suite” Cal table tennis player Bethany King said.

 
The 1982 game was marked by a famous controversy that went down if football lore as “The Play”. Stanford led 20-19, but had to kick off with only seconds remaining. With no time on the clock, Cal in desperation tried a series of laterals in order to keep their hopes alive. The ball ended up in the hands of Dwight Gamer who was allegedly tacked by Stanford at midfield, but lateraled the ball to back Richard Rodgers. The cameras in the early 80’s were shit and it’s impossible to determine if Gamer was down.

 
This is not the only controversy associated with “The Play”. Mariet Ford got the ball from Gamer and was caught by three Stanford defenders at the 27 yard line. He was falling forward, but blindly threw the ball over his shoulder where it was caught Kevin Moen at the 25 yard line. However, because both men were running in stride and the trajectory of the football could not been seen because of the shit 1980’s video cameras, it was impossible to determine if the move was an illegal forward pass or a backwards lateral. Moen would score an alleged touchdown running through the Stanford band leading to Joe Starkey’s infamous radio call, “Oh, the band is out on the field!”

 

 

Stanford issued a statement saying that it was happy to help with Cal’s financial difficulties and that they made the decision because they wanted to help a fellow university and not at all for petty reasons. Stanford fans celebrated their 1982 win with white wine and cheese and said they were glad the result of that game had been corrected. It was such a injustice one Stanford fan said, the ball was clearly going forward.

 
“It’s nice to know that complex problems and injustices can easily be solved with 9 figure checks,” Stanford President Marc Tesser-Lavigne said. According to Tesser-Lavigne the $450M was “pocket change” and he would also forgive the band by taking it off probation and allowing it to continue as a student-run organization.

 
The quarterback of that 1982 Stanford team, John Elway said, “Having that 1982 injustice overturned is the highlight of my whole career both in college and professionally. I no longer have a losing record to Cal. This is the happiest day of my life cause I seriously cannot stand those guys. It’s been 35 years and they haven’t shut up about it. I seriously hate those guys.”

 
When pressed for comment an NCAA spokeswoman said that the NCAA didn’t care about the agreement because they were too busy trying to gather evidence to determine if Ole Miss had stopped cheating and counting their money from the 2016 college football season.

 

Notes:
The Big Games all time series is now 64-45-11 in favor of Stanford

 
Stanford breaks its tie with Iowa for 64th on the all time wins list with 629

 
Cal remains 52nd on the list, but now has 653 wins all time.