Texas Legislature Approves Construction of a Wall to Protect Texas ‘Croots


Austin, TX
by Allen Kellogg

The Texas State legislature passed a bill to build a wall along the eastern, western, and northern borders of the state. The wall will be used to prevent college coaches from other states raiding croots from Texas.

Gov Greg Abbott proclaimed he has a plan in place to make Oklahoma, the SEC (sans A&M), FSU, USC, Stanford, and any other schools taking prospects from the state of Texas pay for it. Funding for the border will come from two main sources, there will be a six-figure fee for coaches and other staff members to attend Texas High School games and talk to the players they want to croot. Another source of funding for the wall will be a 1000 percent tax on aviation fuel purchased in the state of Texas by coaching staffs.

Once competed the wall will be more than 1000 miles long with multiple check points across to prevent coaching staffs from other schools getting in. The border defense will also include surface-to air missiles(SAM) to shoot down aircraft attempting to sneak into Texas airspace. The chairman of Academi, a private military company formerly known as Blackwater, and notable Texas booster Red McCombs said he would provide security forces at the wall at no cost to the tax payer of Texas.

“This wall is about securing our borders and keeping other schools from raiding our croots,” Texas State Representative, Jeb Hensarling said. “This project will provide thousands of job to Texans both in the construction of the wall and at Lockheed Martin who will manufacture our SAMs. With our borders secure, football in the state of Texas will be great again.”

Critics of the wall mainly come from other states who are concerned about the personal freedom of the players to choose whatever school they want. Gov. Abbott addressed this concern by saying the players are free to attend any school they want, but the university will have to pay substantially for the privilege.

The POTUS expressed concern that Texas was more interested in building a wall on the northern border rather than the southern border. Texas schools unanimously rejected the southern border because they hoped to find future kickers coming to Texas.

Construction on the wall is expected to begin in early 2018.


Due to Diversity Concerns, Three SEC Teams Will Change Mascots

By Matt Coffelt
Atlanta, Georgia

In a press conference on Tuesday morning, South Eastern Conference Commissioner Greg Sankey said the conference is moving forward with name changes for three teams to promote more diversity among SEC schools.

“The SEC is continually committed to promoting diversity. It is necessary for our collegiate atmospheres to continue to evolve in order to offer the best experiences possible to our students,” Sankey said. “The SEC is the greatest college football conference in the world and to maintain that title, the SEC can no longer abide so many of its member schools having duplicate mascots. The Yankees up North are laughing at us Southern Folk saying we aren’t creative at all.”

This new policy refers to three schools(Louisiana State, Auburn, and Missouri) who currently have a Tiger as their mascot and two others (Georgia and Mississippi State) who share the Bulldog. In order to accommodate this executive order, 3 schools will have to change their mascot.

The LSU and Missouri mascots date back to the Civil War. Soldiers from Louisiana and Missouri were called Tigers because of their ferocious reputation on the battlefield. Auburn says their team name comes from an Oliver Goldsmith poem entitled “The Deserted Village” written in 1770.

Mississippi State has used several names in the past such as the “Maroons” or “Aggies.” The university formerly adopted the name “Bulldogs” when the school was granted university status in the 1930’s. Georgia’s mascot was originally a goat and then two years later a white bull terrier. The school formerly adopted the name “Bulldogs” in the 1930’s.

When asked which schools would be permitted to keep their current mascot and which schools would have to select a new one, Sankey said the conference has not selected the best criteria to make an impartial decision.

“We haven’t ironed out the nitty gritty yet,” Stankey said when questioned about details on the plan. “The two leading options are allowing my boss, Nick Saban, to decide or making the head coaches fight it out in a cage match. All I know is that both LSU and Mizzou both got their mascots from the Civil War, and we’ll be following the Ole Miss example of moving away from these archaic symbols of the hatred and the past.”

When asked for comment, new LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron said, “De quoi parle cet homme avec le micro?”

It is assumed he was answering in his native Creole, or something, and was greatly upset by the move and potential threat to his school’s heritage. Other LSU fan expressed outrage over the proposed change. One fan said the name was about the state’s heritage, not hatred and resistance to the federal government. One man who is happy about the potential name change is LSU Athletic Director, Joe Alleva.

“LSU fans are the best and most loyal fans in the world,” Alleva said. “We can use this opportunity to sell each one of our fans new merchandise with the new name and sell vintage LSU Tigers gear at a huge mark up. With that extra money we can finally install an effective security system for our stadium and LSU will be able to commission a study on how to complete a forward pass. I guarantee the name change will be a huge financial windfall to our football program and I promise none of the money will go towards book learning or fixing the glory holes in the library.”

No official timeline for the transition was announced at the press conference, but Sankey did suggest that it would be effective sometime between the end of spring football practices and the start of the football season when the fewest possible collegiate fans would be paying attention. LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Georgia, and Mississippi State are already reaching out to alums and students about a possible name change.

UCLA Head Coach announces new 3 year plan for UCLA football

By Allen Kellogg
Los Angeles, California

UCLA head football coach, Jim Mora Jr. announced that UCLA will undergo three years of hibernation where the team will focus on conditioning, team building, practice, and the development of an all new playbook. Mora said UCLA and their fans are tied of getting killed by their fellow Pac-12 schools and he believes that three years of hibernation will result in a new and vigorous program when the school decides to emerge from their slumber.

“A lot of thought went into this new three year plan,” Mora said. “Bruins are bears and as a result they need to hibernate to preserve their strength. Our players will get faster and stronger and because we aren’t playing any games. We won’t have to follow the NCAA’s rules limiting practice. I thought long and hard about this and after consulting my dad and my guru, I know I made the right decision.”

Mora said their players will still have the opportunity to play in the NFL. He said his new practice techniques have been developed with his father, former NFL head coach Jim Mora, and are specifically designed to prep UCLA’s players for the NFL. Jim Mora said Miles Jack’s serious knee injury and his departure from UCLA helped to inspire him to focus his program more on prepping players for the NFL rather than winning a Pac 12 championship. “The NFL is the goal for serious football players,” Mora said. “Here at UCLA, we are all about serious football players.”

Reaction from UCLA’s current players was mixed. Some players expressed disappointment, but most are optimistic about how this new hibernation program is going to improve their NFL stock.

“I came to college to prepare for my future in the NFL,” UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen said. “UCLA isn’t paying me to win games so I am kinda glad I don’t have to risk a serious injury playing in games behind an offensive line that can’t protect me. I also like that scouts won’t be able to criticize my game tape anymore. First round status, here I come.”

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott said he was disappointed UCLA’s football program is going to undergo three years of hibernation, but he understood that it was the school’s decision to pursue a new direction for the football team. UCLA football with be replaced in the Pac-12 by UC Davis for the three seasons. UC Davis president, Janet Napolitano, announced that UC Davis will receive 5 percent of the revenue generated by the Pac-12’s media deals. The remaining 95 percent will still go to UCLA.

Questions remain about whether or not three years of hibernation will help the Bruins football program. Some have argued that UCLA football will collapse and that no ‘croots will sign with a football program that doesn’t play any games. Others say that UCLA’s emphasis on NFL preparations will attract better players into the program and that without eligibility requirements, UCLA can attracted future NFL stars who aren’t concerned with playing school.

With the Big XII’s Future Uncertain, Should TCU Change It’s Name?


by Allen Kellogg

Fort Worth, Texas

Most experts agree the Big 12 will probably die in 2025 when the grant of rights keeping the conference together expire. Consensus opinion suggests that power 5 conferences will become four 16 team super conferences. The Big 12 is the least stable of the power 5 conferences and also the smallest. Large, distinguished athletic programs like Texas, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and Kansas will certainly find spots, but a smaller, less research oriented school like TCU may struggle to receive a super conference invite.

Of the four possible landing spots, the Pac-12 seems the most likely. Association of American Universities membership is a requirement for the Big 10. The SEC already has a Texas schools and A&M will likely resist any additional Texas schools attempting to join. The ACC is a poor fit geographically. This leaves the Pac-12 as the only hope for TCU.

The Pac-12 attempted to grab schools like Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State when the Big 12 nearly collapsed back in 2010, so we know they have expressed interest in expansion into Texas. A significant portion of new TCU students are coming in from California. California has nearly surpassed Texas as the main state where students come from. TCU also has schedule numerous out of conference games with Pac-12 schools. Sanford, Cal, and Colorado are future TCU opponents.

Some people believe that the school’s current name could be an issue should TCU attempt to join the Pac-12. BYU attempted to join back in 2010, but was rejected for cultural reasons. Many believe that BYU’s requirement that all teaching and research must fall in line with The Church of Latter Day Saints beliefs. Academic freedom is a big deal to the member schools and although TCU does have language protecting academic freedoms and does not require research and teachings to work with church doctrine, others have express skepticism that a school with the word “Christian” in the name would be accepted into the Pac-12.

The last thing TCU and its fans want to see is TCU relegated back a lower tier of college athletics as they were when the South West Conference dissolved. For that reason, here are some suggestions for potential name changes for TCU that will allow it to join the Pac-12:

  • Texas Construction University- Pretty sure they told this joke to everyone at orientation. You can’t go anywhere on campus without seeing a crane. I went back to campus after three years away and the whole campus was unrecognizable.
  • Texas Commonwealth University- Sounds fancy right?
  • Texas Chronic University- Four out of six Pac-12 states have legal marijuana. Marijuana is extremly popular on the left coast. Weed was extremely popular while I was at TCU. Not everyone smoked weed, but everyone knew somebody that did. With a name like this schools on the left coast are going to want to associate with us.
  • Texas Christian(Catholic, Armenian Christian, Assyrian Christian, Lollards, Orthodox, Lutheran, Evangelical, Anglican, Calvinist, Reformed, Born Again, Presbyterian, Amish, Mennonite, Methodist, Non-Baylor-Baptist, Pentacostal, Quaker, Adventist, Mormon, and fuck the Westboro Baptist Church I hope they burn in hell), Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Shinto, Buddhist, Wiccan, Sikhism, Heathenism, THE Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Voodoo, Taoism, Confusionism, Zoroastrian, Rastafarian, Druid, and any other faiths who are welcome at our University- or TC(CACACLOLEACRBAPAMMnBBPQAMaftWBCihtbih)MHAAJSBWSHTCotFSMVTCZRDaaofwawaoU for short. This is a name that will say that every faith (other than Baylor Baptists and the Westboro Baptist church are welcome on our campus. The Pac-12 is big into acceptance and I believe this name could give us an edge.
  • AddRan Male & Female College-going with the school’s original 1873 name. We were actually the first Co Ed school in Texas so this highlights diversity and progressiveness which the Pac 12 loves.
  • Texas College University- so learn, much smart, many class, long study, top school
  • Texas Compassion University- We will be your friend on the journey of learning.
  • Texas Condom University- Trojan(USC) approved!

Nick Saban Demands Battle Ready Carbon Exoskeletons in the Name of Player Safety

By Allen Kellogg
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Nick Saban is lobbying the NCAA to allow Alabama players to wear carbon exoskeletons in practice and games. He claims that these battle suits are in the name of player safety. The exoskeletons are made of military grade carbon fiber and titanium and according to multiple studies and they are able to prevent 98 percent of injuries including an 85 percent reduction in concussions.

“These suits are the future of football,” said Nick Saban, “We are talking about a system that reduces the impact on my players brains and bodies. This is a revolution in football.”

Critics argue that the new battle suits will give Alabama an unfair advantage The suits can boost a players raw strength by 56 percent and increase speed by 40 percent. This allows Alabama players to impart nearly three times the amount of force onto their opponents.

The suits were developed for the US Army as a force multiplier. It was supposed to enable soldiers to carrier heavier combat weapons and allow them to fight for longer. However, the exoskeletons cost roughly $15M so the Army decided not to adopt the machines. Instead all the machines were sold to the University of Alabama for an undisclosed sum.

When Saban was asked if he would share the technology with other schools, he said no. Saban said it was up to the schools to protect their players and if they didn’t want to pay 8 figures to protect their students, that was on the school. He also refused to divulge the company who provided Alabama the advanced military technology.

The advanced robotic technology and futuristic materials have several other advanced features. There is a laser rangefinder that was developed to direct heavy artillery fire and track fast flying combat jets and helicopters. Alabama has modified this technology to allow receivers to track footballs in the air which helps their receivers come down with the ball.

Nick Saban insisted that features like the laser tracking system and speed increases are not against NCAA rules and should be allowed on the field.

Brian Kelly yells at wall, Blames “Touchdown Jesus” for Notre Dame’s 4-8 Season.

By Allen Kellogg

South Bend, Indiana

Notre Dame head football coach, Brian Kelly, found a new person to blame for a disappointing season. Kelly stood in front of the 134 ft tall “Word of Life” mural and hurled obscenities and blame at the image popularly known as Touchdown Jesus. Kelly then began to throw rocks and beer bottles at the image before being calmed down by Notre Dame security.

“It was just to awful to hear those words being said about Jesus,” Notre Dame freshman Hayley Gordon said, “I was taught to believe that we do everything the right way here at Notre Dame, but after hearing Coach Kelly say those horrible thing, I just don’t know.”
Kelly then called a press conference and attempted to explain his actions. His face was purple with rage as he took the podium. Kelly said that Touchdown Jesus was to blame for many misfortunes of the Fighting Irish including the weather, fan support, and the work ethic and motivation of his players.

“That f***ing guy [Touchdown Jesus] is supposed to be all powerful. He is the son of God and he can’t fucking stop a hurricane from ruining our game against NC State,” Kelly said, “I’ve won big games in the past so I know it’s not my fault. The weather in that NC State game was horse shit. I wanted sun shine, but I got rain.”

Kelly said that his players look to Touchdown Jesus for motivation and to inspire them to play like champions. Kelly said the blame for Notre Dame’s 2-4 home record rest firmly on the murals head.

“Obliviously that didn’t happen this year. Jesus didn’t do his damn job,” Kelly said. “I work my ass off for this school and then I get betrayed but that clown? Who does he think he is? Now I hear he is getting cozy with Dabo Sweeney down at Clemson. That guy is a total Judas; You just can’t trust him.”

“It’s so difficult to try and coach a championship football team with him judging you over your shoulder,” Kelly said. “I feel his smug face second guessing me on the sideline.”
Kelly added that it was not his fault Notre Dame got caught by the NCAA when a student trainer wrote essays for football players. He said the blame rested firmly with the trainer, players, and Touchdown Jesus for not monitoring his players and keeping them out of trouble. He said that Touchdown Jesus was responsible for his players getting arrested as well; they should have learned some morals from the mural.

Kelly ended his press conference by yelling at an intern for his bottle of water not being cold enough. He then stormed out saying he couldn’t wait to leave Notre Dame once he gets offered an NFL head coaching job.

Former Notre Dame Quarterback and potential first round draft pick, DeShone Kizer, said he was glad to be leaving Notre Dame so he could be rid of Coach Kelly. “I learned a lot from that guy, but man he is an asshole,” Kizer said.

Notre Dame Athletic Director, Jack Swarbrick, said he wanted to fired Brian Kelly. However because the school just finished paying a buyout to former head coach Charlie Weis, his hands are tied. He acknowledged that fans, students, and alums are upset with Kelly’s recent performance, but reiterated that Brain Kelly was their best choice for head coach and that no one wanted to see Tyron Willingham or Charlie Weis 2.0. Swarbrick said he reached out to former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz and asked him to meet with Kelly to work on his anger issues. Brian Kelly has not responded whether or not he will meet with Holtz.

Dabo Swinney founds New Church to celebrate Deshaun Watson

By Allen Kellogg
Clemson, South Carolina

Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney announced his new church this afternoon, The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Watson. Deshaun Watson is a former Clemson starting quarterback who defeated Alabama in the national championship and according to Sweeney a future NFL Star. Services will be held every Saturday and on every other Wednesday.

It just came to me in a vision Swinney said. He also said he ate nothing but Todaro’s pizza for 40 days and 40 nights in the hope that God would speak to him.

“The good lord came down to me and we spoke face to face,” Swinney said.”He just told me that Deshaun was his true son and that he was the second coming of Touchdown Jesus. I knew God was a Clemson fan, how else could we have beaten Nick Saban if God was not on our side? When the lord spoke to me he just told me how it was and what I needed to do. He just told me to build a church, the grandest of churches to Deshaun and to honor him before each game.”

“When you look at Deshaun what do you see? Just a QB? Well you’re wrong. That man is the most honest, hard-working, humble, good, and righteous man I have ever met,” Swinney said. “He made everyone on this team better and didn’t take any credit for it himself. With traits like that how could he not be the second coming of Touchdown Jesus.”

Swinney said that Watson was the obvious number one pick and that God told him that it was his will that he should be drafted by the Browns. Watson would forgive the Browns fans for their sins. Sins like destroying the stadium when the team announced it was moving or sending death threats to ownership.

“The people of Cleveland have been mislead by a false prophet, Robert Griffin,” Swinney said. “The man claimed to be perfect man and quarterback, but pride comes just before the fall and fall he has. He [Bob Griffin] wrapped himself in the scripture, but it was a lie. He did not honor his wife or child and if you look at the name Robert Griffin Third all you need to do is mover one letter and you get 6-6-6. Deshaun is going to save them.”

“Once the fans hear his gospel they will cast down the false prophet and allow Deshaun to lead them on a crusade to vanquish Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the Patriots. Then finally Deshaun is going to lead the Browns to the promise land. A land of milk, honey, and love. A Super Bowl,” Swinney said.

Swinney insisted the Bob Griffin is the Anti-Christ and that Watson will defeat him in the Brown’s quarterback competition in training camp. “He [Watson] is going to banish that man from the NFL,” Swinney said. “The goodness inside Deshaun is too much for Griffin. He is going to be banished to the Canadian Football league where he will remain in that frozen wasteland.”

Swinney said God told him the exact dimensions of his new church. It is to be 100 cubits long by 40 cubits wide and in the shape and color of a giant football. In the middle there will be a solid, gold statue of Watson preparing to draw his fake bow. Every member of the congregation will receive a slice of pepperoni pizza once they have been baptized in a stream of Gamecock fans’ tears. He also said he is giving the team an extra four weeks off in the spring so he can write the first book of his new bible, the First Book of Dabotoci.

When asked about the other Clemson players who had declared for the NFL Draft Swinney said he loves them and wishes them well, but he can’t allow them to distract him from his holy mission. He finished his press conference with a reading from Dabotoci and a prayer.

“And lo on the day before the day of the new year the chosen son of Clemson faced down the Buckeye. He prayed for God to give him the strength to vanquish his foe. The whistle sounded and Touchdown Jesus let fly and a wave of arrows to smite the beast. God was with him for on that day Ohio State scored zero points. God’s chosen people stormed the field, bringing their own guts. Then Deshaun Watson took a knee and gave thanks then he prayed for the souls of his vanquished foe that they may know peace. Watson then offered up a pizza as a sacrifice and God blessed that pizza so that Touchdown Jesus was able to feed 300,000 with that one pizza.” Dabotoci 31:0

“Lord we give thanks that you us send us Touchdown Jesus. We give thanks that the Bulldawgs ignored his gospel. We thank you keeping us humble and giving us the determination we needed for this season in 2015. We praise you for making the winds of fate blow Bambard’s kick wide left. We humbly give thanks that you taught us to stay hungry when we faced the City of Steel’s eaters of feces. We sing your praises for vanquishing the evil nut. It was your true strength that allowed us to banish Nick Saban, his false Idol Baal, and Elephant riders. We celebrate your glory every time we gaze upon the shiny trophy. Thou hast led us to Victory and soon shall be the savior of Cleveland. In your name we pray. Go Tigers.”

God could not be reached for comment.

Rutgers, the real Defensive Back University

by Allen Kellogg

Piscataway, New Jersey

Since 2010, Rutgers University is the top school in the nation for championship defensive backs. LSU, FSU, Miami, Texas, South Carolina, Ohio State and Florida all refer to themselves with the title of “DBU,” but none can match the achievements of Rutger’s corners and safeties in the NFL.

These schools use many different metrics to fool people into thinking they’re the school which produces top notch NFL defensive backs. Some use pro bowls, other uses draft numbers or first round picks, but none of these metrics really matter. The only thing that matters in the NFL is winning a Super Bowl. Since 2010, five defensive backs from Rutgers have been drafted into the NFL, three of them already have Super Bowl rings and could win another next Sunday. That rate of 60 percent is higher than any other college. Kansas are Oregon are second, with 40 percent of their DB’s drafted during that time period NFL having won a Super Bowl.

The AFC champion New England Patriots have three defensive backs from Rutgers, all of whom are starters. Devin McCourty is the former Defensive Rookie of the Year and an All-Pro free safety. Logan Ryan is a starting cornerback and sure to be one of the most coveted free agent prizes in the offseason next to his fellow Patriot corner, and Super Bowl hero, Malcolm Butler. Finally Duron Harmon is the Patriot’s starting nickel corner and has proven to be one of the top nickel corners in the league. During the Patriot’s opening playoff game against the Texans, McCourty, Ryan, and Harmon each had an interception. This not only was the first time 3 players from the same school recorded an interception in a postseason game, but the first time in NFL history this occurred.

“These guys out of Rutgers have been phenomenal,” said Patriots Head Coach Bill Bellichick, “They all came ready to work from day one and have put in a ton of effort. That school[Rutgers] really has a great training program for defensive backs. They are all great athletes who can play many different types of coverage, and most importantly, know how to tackle. Now it’s up to me and the rest of the coaching staff to get them ready for Atlanta, who have the best passing attack I have probably seen in my time in the NFL.”

Devin McCourty’s twin brother Jason McCourty, who also played DB at Rutgers and now plays for the Tennessee Titans, said Rutgers really changed the way he prepared before the game and the skills he learned at Rutgers made him a better corner.

“Our pass rush was so terrible when I was at school it was really up to us to hold down the pass defense,” Jason McCourty said, “Teams were scared to try and throw on us so we also go a lot of experience in learning how to tackle as they ran over our defensive line and linebackers.”

Patriots Defensive Coordinator Matt Patricia said that guys from Rutgers came in with a chip on their shoulder. He said players from other schools had gotten by on raw athleticism alone and most didn’t really know how to play the position in the NFL.

“You can get away with not knowing as much about the game in college, but in the NFL everyone is a world class athlete. It’s the guys who took the time to really learn to position that have the most impact.” Patricia said.

Defensive backs aren’t they only pro product from Rutgers, Rutgers leads all other schools with five alums in the super bowl. Four with the Patriots and Mohamed Sanu of the Falcons. Three other schools are tied with four.

These figures speak volumes about former Rutgers and Tampa Bay Head Coach, and current Ohio State defensive coordinator, Greg Schiano. His ability to turn underrated HS prospects into NFL starters is second to none. Schiano said most of the credit for the DB’s coming out of Rutgers should go to defensive back coaches like Chris Hewitt (Ravens), Jeff Pinkham (Western Michigan), and Robb Smith (Minnesota). Schiano says he hopes to turn around a disturbing trend with Urban Meyer’s defensive backs.

Under Urban Meyer, both Florida and Ohio State have had 14 defensive backs drafted. They have the same number of Super Bowl rings combined as points Ohio State scored in the Fiesta Bowl against Clemson; none.

Schiano will soon find another head coaching job. The players he has helped produce for the league speak for themselves. Schiano failed as coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but his body of work proves that he is one of the best developmental coaches in college football today. Just as Rutgers has proven to be where teams can find championship cornerbacks and safeties.



The 10 Most Effective Ways to Ensure a Top Recruiting Class

by Allen Kellogg

Oxford, Mississippi

1. Croots dig shiny things

Much like fish, croots are attracted to shiny objects. Chrome helmets are a good start, but what sets a program over the edge is to make your football facilities look like a Vegas strip club. Black lights and LEDs are the norm. Throw away your traditional uniforms and replace them with one off alternates that you will only wear once.

2. Don’t use cash

Cash is easy to trace and 18 year-olds have a nasty habit of posting stacks of money on Twitter or Instagram. Easy way around this is to pay croots in Bitcoin. Bitcoins are worth serious money and they can swap it for cash in a way that looks legal. Plus the NCAA has no idea what a Bitcoin is. Your school needs to stay ahead of the curve.

3. Don’t just croot the croot, croot the whole family

A famous starship captain once said, “The quickest way into a woman’s pants is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.” While sexual relations with a croot’s mother is generally frowned on, the basic idea remains the same. Take the kid’s mom out to a nice dinner and evening entertainment. Make her want to have sex with your coach. That way you can keep them hanging on your every word. Some coaches do go the extra mile and will bang a croot’s mom. A certain Florida head coach said, “Smashing that dudes mom was sweet, he is in the other room and had no idea we getting nasty.”

4. Not all bagmen are created equal

Some guys can bring more to the table than others. It pays to have bagmen involved in car dealerships or real estate. These guys can work out “special deals” and because these are private contracts the NCAA can’t subpoena them. One bag man for an SEC team owns a Dodge dealership and provides his school’s croots with complimentary Chargers and Challengers

5. Compartmentalize everything

Chances are the NCAA will come an knocking when they see 5 stars not going to Alabama or Ohio State. You need to protect yourself and your school. Remember ignorance is bliss and you can always blame the fall guy.

6. Have a fall guy

Chris Carter was right. Having a fall guys isn’t immoral, it’s just good business. You need a discreet individual who can claim to be a lone wolf when it comes to recruiting violations. The best ones also are able to take responsibility for future crimes you or a player may commit.

7. Always be tweeting

Many coaches will talk about the ABC’s (Always Be Crootin’), but they forget their ABT’s. Tweeting at high school and middle school kids is a great way to show croots how awesome your fan base is. Don’t let your paid staff do it, but rather recruit a group of sexy co-eds to entice potential croots. If your school doesn’t have enough sexy, willing co-eds, just create fake profiles and catfish them. Embellish the truth as much as possible. Most croots don’t take the time to distinguish facts from alternative facts. Lies are your friend.

8. Point out problems with other schools 

…or just make them up. You’re crooting against other institutions. Some schools may have very public scandals, but most do not. You need to invent nasty rumors surrounding competing programs. Examples are: “That coach is going to leave for a new job” or “It’s a good school, but the student body is racist” etc.

9. Bribe high school coaches

Paying players is against the rules, but there’s no rule saying you can’t pay high school coaches to lobby his best player to come to your school. A high school coach is like a father figure and many players trust their coach’s judgment more than their parents. You can take advantage of that trust for your school’s benefit.

10. Online classes

Going to class is time consuming and boring when you are a football player. Up sell your school’s online programs and how this will mean that the player will hardly ever actually need to be in a classroom. Online classes offer the advantage that a tutor can do the work for your players, and it is much harder to trace. If your school doesn’t offer extensive online options, why not? Seriously, it’s 2017.

Virginia to Cancel the Commonwealth Cup, seeks rival to replace Virginia Tech


by Allen Kellogg
Charlottesville, Virginia

University of Virginia Athletic Director, Craig Littlepage, announced Virginia would be dropping Virginia Tech from its annual schedule. ACC presidents convened in Charlotte, North Carolina over the weekend and are expected to approve the proposal as early as Thursday. The divisions are to be realigned, with Wake Forrest and Virginia Tech switching places. Now UVA and Virginia Tech will only play each other on the sixth week’s Friday every six years.

“This was not an easy decision to make,” Littlepage said. “The series was so one sided we decided to abandon it for Virginia Tech’s sake.” Despite the series being 56-37-5 in favor of Virginia Tech and VT being on a 12 game win streak in the series, Littlepage insisted these numbers are just facts perpetuated by fake news.

“Virginia Tech is falsely claiming wins that are not theirs,” Littlepage said. “VPI (Virginia Polytechnic Institute) is not Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech doesn’t even have the letter ‘P’ in their name. The ACC also has no record of Virginia Tech playing UVA after 2003. This means the all time series between our schools is actually 37-18-1 in favor of Virginia. Since UVA has won twice as many games as Virginia Tech in this series, we are canceling it and looking for a new in-state rival which we be more competitive with our institution.”

When asked how 13 years of football history could just disappear, an ACC official from Duke said that every reporter in the country had received bad information from a fake news site and that those games had never been played. An official from UNC contradicted this claim saying that all those records had been lost in a fire and thus never counted.

The University of Virginia is now accepting applications to find a new in-state rival. Richmond, James Madison, and William and Mary are the front runners, but several other schools including, Virginia Military Institute (VMI), Old Dominion (ODU), Virginia Commonwealth (VCU), George Mason (GMU), Liberty, Randolph Mason, and Thomas Nelson Community College have submitted bids as well. Candidate schools are expected to have academic standard similar to UVA and allow all of the future games to be scheduled in Charlottesville. Richmond athletic director Keith Gill said he was happy to be considered as a potential rival to UVA and that he hoped beating the Cavaliers 37-20 last season would not hurt his school’s chances.

“What we are looking for is a school that we can be proud to associated with. A school that shares our love of wine and cheese parties and comes dressed to football games like they are going to church,” UVA president Teresa Sullivan said. “Thomas Jefferson founded our university in 1819. He would be ashamed to know that we have been playing a tractor school like Virginia Tech all these years. Our goal is to find a school that would make Jefferson proud.”

Reaction in Blacksburg was mixed. Most students appeared upset about losing the only thing they could brag about to their friends in Charlottesville. Others reacted more positively saying they were excited to be moved into a division that actually cared about football.

“Florida State, Clemson, and Louisville. You know, real football schools,” Virginia Tech senior Chip Skoal said. “I am excited to travel to schools and go to tailgates where the fans drink bourbon instead of Zima. Places where you won’t get talked down to because your pastel shorts are dirty and you aren’t wearing Sperrys.”