Urban Meyer Vows Revenge on Baker Mayfield, Oklahoma

Photo: NewsOK

Allen Kellogg

Columbus, Ohio

After a shocking 31-16 loss to Oklahoma in Columbus, Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer is already plotting to take his revenge.  Meyer said he guarantees Ohio State will make the playoff and hopes the Buckeyes draw Oklahoma in a grudge match.

“That loss was disturbing and humbling,” Meyer said, “Buckeye nation expects noting but total victory and to see that little bastard plant their flag on our field, I will not let that stand.”

In a shocking return to visible stress levels on par with his time at Florida, Meyer said he would perform a blood oath and summon whatever demons it takes for Ohio State to run the table in the Big 10. This  most likely would give Ohio State a spot in the College football playoff for a third time.  Meyer said he called his former Heisman winning QB Tim Tebow and asked him to speak with his team about the loss and about the steps to take to get a chance for vengeance.

Tebow made a famous speech at the end of Florida’s loss to Ole Miss which rallied the Gators into winning a national championship against Oklahoma 24-14.  Tebow allegedly used witchcraft to give Florida a super natural advantage over their opponents.  The dark magic worked as Florida won all their games the rest of the season.  While the effects of the curse had little impact on Tebow’s soul, several of his teammates have suffered the consequences of his actions.

Meyer said he wasn’t worried about divine punishment or risking the souls of his players.  Winning is the only thing that matters Meyer said.  He said he is willing to risk everything for the opportunity to stomp Oklahoma and Baker Mayfield.

“I guarantee one thing, Meyer said,  “If Oklahoma crosses the 50 when we play again,  you can call me Goering for the rest of my life.”

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Abbott Extends State of Emergency Following Opening Weekend of College Football

Photo; Dallas Morning News

Allen Kellogg

Austin, TX

Texas governor Greg Abbott declared a state of emergency on Tuesday following shameful losses by Texas, Baylor, and Texas A&M during the opening weekend of the college football season.  This marks the second state of emergency to be declared in Texas in as many weeks, after Hurricane Harvey devastated the Texas gulf coast causing massive amounts of flooding.

The University of Texas lost to Maryland 51-41.  However, this score does not reflect how poorly the Longhorns played.  Texas’s defense allowed more than 6 yards per carry and gave up more than 16 yards per attempt.  This shameful loss casts an early shadow over the start of the Tom Herman era in Austin.  51 points is the most UT has given up in any opening game in program history.

In Waco, the Baylor Bears fell to FCS opponent Liberty.  In front of a stunned crowd, Baylor lost the game at a final score of 48-45; an ominous start for the head coaching career of Matt Ruhle in Waco.  After the game, the only sound that could be heard was ex-Baylor AD Ian McCaw laughing.  McCaw said this is what happens when you expect football players to be decent human beings.  McCaw was recently dismissed from the University following a massive sexual assault scandal.

A&M traveled to Los Angeles to take on UCLA.  The Aggies started off fast, leading 44-10 in the 3rd quarter.  Then the team suddenly collapsed, allowing UCLA to score 35 unanswered points, making for the second largest comeback in NCAA history.

“The physical damage from the hurricane is hard to stomach.  Seeing our two flagship football programs go down in flames like that over the weekend made the whole situation worse,” Abbott said.  “By declaring a second state of emergency, I promise this disaster relief fund will be used to fix UT and A&M’s football programs.  If there is any money left, we might help Baylor too.”

Some initially questioned how the state could even think about using Federal disaster funds to fix a college football team while so many people are still struggling with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey.  Abbott countered by claiming that making Texas college football competitive again would help those affected by Harvey return to a sense of normalcy.

“It’s about making the people of Texas feel good about themselves again.  We, as a state, can’t allow for our college football teams to be this bad for another year,” Abbott said.  “If we don’t fix this problem now, the same sense of pride that brought Texans together to take care of one another in the aftermath of Harvey may not be around for the next natural disaster.”

Abbott’s motion to direct the disaster funding towards helping rehabilitate Texas college football passed through the state legislature with 100 percent of the vote.   Texas state representative Ted Poe said he had never seen the state legislature agree on something and he was shocked that the group managed to work together.

Experts are unsure about how more money will help fix two of the largest financial powers in college sports, but Abbott said the money would be used to hire a once in a lifetime coach.

“I’d offer Nick Saban 50 million a year to come coach at Texas.  Urban Meyer gets the same deal to come coach A&M,” Abbott said.  If they won’t do it we’ll hire Belichick away from the Patriots.  With this money, we can raise Vince Lombardi from the dead if we have to.”

Another source in the governor’s office said the money would be used to hire a first class AD at both schools and would fund a wall built around the state border to keep other programs from taking Texas ‘croots.