by Allen Kellogg
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh gave a football scholarship offer to a 4-week-old fetus last week. Harbaugh said he expects the fetus to play linebacker for Michigan in 2036. The future parents Will and Tanya Marston said they are grateful Coach Harbaugh is considering their unborn child for an athletic scholarship, but feel that the pressure of being a future college athlete is too much to put on a still developing fetus. “We don’t even know if our child is going to be a boy or a girl at this point. All my wife and I want is a healthy, happy baby,” Mr. Marston said.
Jim Harbaugh dismissed any criticism for his actions, referring to his critics as short-sighted and living in the past. He defended his actions as forward thinking and called himself a football pioneer.
“Crooting is so much more competitive than it was even 10 years ago,” Harbaugh said. “I did all the research. I am a keen believer in eugenics, I studied this kid’s genetic lineage going back over 200 years, so I know he is going to be a hell of a football player by the time he finishes high school. Eugenics get a bad rap from a lot of people, but when you read the work from the top eugenicists from 80 years ago, it is clear these men had a very good idea of how you can use genes to predict athletic ability.”
When questioned about the ethical implications of the Nazi’s work in eugenics during World War II, Harbaugh was unaware that they were even part of the war, stating, “Wasn’t that the scuffle when we dropped some bombs into the endzone and sealed the deal?”
Will Marston is a former US Olympic wrestler and his wife Tanya took home a gold medal in the 2004 Summer Olympics in the women’s hundred-meter dash. The family has a long history of athletic prowess dating back to before the American Civil War, Harbaugh said. Mr. Marston’s father, Walton Marston, was a Michigan basketball player in the 1950’s.
When asked how he could give a football scholarship to an unborn child who’s sex has not yet been determined, Harbaugh said he read the entrails of a ritualistically sacrificed cow which explained the child’s whole future.
“This kid is going to be a monster,” Harbaugh said. ” 6′ 3” 230lbs and running a 4.45 as a senior in high school. The entrails I read prove that with a little coaching and a solid strength and conditioning program, this kid is going to be a top 5 draft pick when he finishes at Michigan. These are the kind of croots we need if we want to compete at the highest level.”
Harbaugh said he understood why people were so concerned about football coaches offering scholarships to fetuses, but these people need to understand that times are changing and that recruiting is starting earlier every year. The best way to beat Ohio State, Alabama, or USC is to start winning recruiting battles 18 years ahead of time.
Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer said that he feels recruiting unborn children is a few steps too far. His view is that there is no point giving out a scholarship until the child is at least old enough to sign their name on a letter of intent in crayon.