Every Big 12 Coach As A Figure From The American Revolution

 

Allen Kellogg
Independence Hall, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

 

Gary Patterson – Friedrich Wilhelm Rudolf Gerhard August, Freiherr von Steuben

Steuben came to America from France to help train inexperienced American volunteers and turn them into professional regulars who would face the British Redcoats head-on. Patterson has done much the same at TCU. Starting out in the WAC, Patterson transformed underrated and overlooked ‘croots into great players, switching them to different positions and maximizing their on-field talents. Under his leadership, TCU transformed from an afterthought to a Big 12 title contender.

 

Matt Ruhle- Benedict Arnold

Arnold could have been an American Hero. He proved to be one of Washington’s best generals. However, his wounded sense of pride and insatiable greed caused Arnold to betray the rebellion. He attempted to sell West Point to the British and later commanded British troops against the Continentals. Ruhle enjoyed lots of success in Philadelphia, the cradle of the Republic. Ruhle could have been a hero. Instead, he sold his soul for a bunch of money and joined the bad guys.

 

Lincoln Riley- Benjamin Gates

Gates experienced his fair share of ups and downs throughout his career. He was there for the American victory at Saratoga, but is also responsible for the disastrous American defeat at Camden. While he never commanded a field army after Camden, Gates did attempt to usurp General Washington. Riley finds himself in the unenviable position of trying to replace Sooner legend Bob Stoops. While he has no head coaching experience, Riley is equipped with all the tools he needs to succeed at Oklahoma.

Mike Gundy- Daniel Morgan

Morgan is regarded as one of the best Continental officers and best tacticians of the American Revolution. Morgan’s rifles used guerilla tactics and long-range barrels to great effect in many battles. Gundy also displays tactical brilliance on the football field and uses deep passes with similarly deadly efficiency as that of Morgan’s rifles. He also maintains the grizzled appearance of a frontier tracker.

 

Matt Campbell- Ethan Allen

When the conflict began, Allen rallied volunteers and captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British. Allen enjoyed early fame, but his regiment fought in the ill-advised invasion of Canada. The British captured Allen and he remained their prisoner for several years. Campbell experienced early success at Toledo, but he is now similarly stranded at Iowa State.

 

Bill Snyder- Ben Franklin

Franklin is the oldest founding father. He spent the war at the court of Louis XVI lobbying the French for support. Franklin spent his day drinking, playing chess, seducing pretty French ladies, and playing the role of a rough American frontiersman. Snyder is the oldest coach in the game. Like Franklin, he is wise and possesses great diplomatic skills. While he may not still regularly partake in drinking and fornicating, Snyder and Franklin do share a certain wizardly quality.

 

Tom Herman- Patrick Henry

“Give me liberty or give me death.” With these words, Patrick Henry both immortalized himself and also prompted Virginia to join the rebellion. Henry’s fiery rhetoric inspired a generation of American Patriots to arms. In Herman, Texas believes they have found a coach who will spark the Longhorns to perform better on the field. Herman brings a new attitude and breath of new energy into a Texas program ready to join the competitive fray.

 

Dana Holgersen- Daniel Boone

Boone was an American frontier hero. He spent much of his time in the Appalachian Mountains living as a mountain man. During the war, he led the defense of the frontier from Native tribes allied with the British. Holgersen is also a mountain man living in Appalachia. He is famous for his consumption of Red Bull and moonshine. Like Boone, he spends a lot of his free time picking off squirrels from 100 yards away.

 

Kliff Kingsbry- Paul Revere

Revere is a big part of American lore for his midnight ride to warn the patriots of a British invasion. After his ride, Revere served in the Massachusetts militia with mixed results. Kingsbury has also experienced his own ups and downs as Tech’s coach. While a rider is a staple of Tech games, the results on the field have been more Lexington than Concord.

 

David Beaty- Richard Montgomery

Montgomery was the leader of an ill-advised invasion of Canada in 1775…In the middle of winter. The Americans suffered a humiliating defeat at the gates of Quebec, where Montgomery died leading the attack. Beatty finds himself in a nearly hopeless situation in Lawrence. While he did beat Texas, he possesses a dismal 2-22 overall record at Kansas.

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Jim Harbaugh Gives Scholarship Offer to a 4-week-old Fetus

by Allen Kellogg
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh gave a football scholarship offer to a 4-week-old fetus last week. Harbaugh said he expects the fetus to play linebacker for Michigan in 2036. The future parents Will and Tanya Marston said they are grateful Coach Harbaugh is considering their unborn child for an athletic scholarship, but feel that the pressure of being a future college athlete is too much to put on a still developing fetus. “We don’t even know if our child is going to be a boy or a girl at this point. All my wife and I want is a healthy, happy baby,” Mr. Marston said.

 
Jim Harbaugh dismissed any criticism for his actions, referring to his critics as short-sighted and living in the past. He defended his actions as forward thinking and called himself a football pioneer.

 
“Crooting is so much more competitive than it was even 10 years ago,” Harbaugh said. “I did all the research. I am a keen believer in eugenics, I studied this kid’s genetic lineage going back over 200 years, so I know he is going to be a hell of a football player by the time he finishes high school. Eugenics get a bad rap from a lot of people, but when you read the work from the top eugenicists from 80 years ago, it is clear these men had a very good idea of how you can use genes to predict athletic ability.”

 
When questioned about the ethical implications of the Nazi’s work in eugenics during World War II, Harbaugh was unaware that they were even part of the war, stating, “Wasn’t that the scuffle when we dropped some bombs into the endzone and sealed the deal?”

 
Will Marston is a former US Olympic wrestler and his wife Tanya took home a gold medal in the 2004 Summer Olympics in the women’s hundred-meter dash. The family has a long history of athletic prowess dating back to before the American Civil War, Harbaugh said. Mr. Marston’s father, Walton Marston, was a Michigan basketball player in the 1950’s.

 
When asked how he could give a football scholarship to an unborn child who’s sex has not yet been determined, Harbaugh said he read the entrails of a ritualistically sacrificed cow which explained the child’s whole future.

 
“This kid is going to be a monster,” Harbaugh said. ” 6′ 3” 230lbs and running a 4.45 as a senior in high school. The entrails I read prove that with a little coaching and a solid strength and conditioning program, this kid is going to be a top 5 draft pick when he finishes at Michigan. These are the kind of croots we need if we want to compete at the highest level.”

 
Harbaugh said he understood why people were so concerned about football coaches offering scholarships to fetuses, but these people need to understand that times are changing and that recruiting is starting earlier every year. The best way to beat Ohio State, Alabama, or USC is to start winning recruiting battles 18 years ahead of time.

 
Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer said that he feels recruiting unborn children is a few steps too far. His view is that there is no point giving out a scholarship until the child is at least old enough to sign their name on a letter of intent in crayon.