LSU Coach Ed Orgeron Insists All Louisiana High School ‘Croots Belong to Him


By Allen Kellogg

Baton Rouge, LA

LSU head coach Ed Orgeron has now promised to take action against any out-of-state school that dares to recruit inside the borders of Louisiana. Orgeron is facing criticism for shutting down a football camp held by division III school Belhaven University in Hammond, Louisiana.

“Dis peaplle comt ta mah hoome n tay mah cwoots. I dun pay da sheet. Tell’em al, suk mah Tiagar dick,” Orgeron said.

Critics argue that LSU and Coach O are severely limiting the exposure for high school players, which reduces their opportunities to play at the college level. LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva said that any talk reducing high school players opportunities was “bull shit” and that the players who are not talented enough to play for LSU can go to any school in Louisiana of their choice. “These players belong to the state of Louisiana,” Alleva said.

Some of the high school players have complained that they feel they are being pressured to stay in the state by family, friends, and even total strangers.

Geoffrey LaMont, a 2 star corner from Mt. Hermon, Louisiana, said he was disappointed that LSU had forced the Hammond camp to close. LaMont is currently a senior with a 4.20 GPA. He said he plans to study bio-medical engineering in college and was hoping to meet with the Cornell coaching staff at the Harmmond camps to pursue a chance of playing football in the Ivy league. LSU’s decision to cancel the football camp, though, prevented him from meeting with the Cornell football staff.

“Deese bois tink dey nees a gewd skool, bat ain nobodey nees uh Ivy legeaux edumaktion. Dis boi shud faucos on de fooobawl,” Orgeron said.

Orgeron won over the support of many LSU fans and Louisiana residents with his stance of “protect the state of Louisiana from outsiders trying to steal our football players.” He kept his promise by blocking any outside school from hosting a football camp in Louisiana. If a school wants to hold a camp, they better be from his state.

“He is doing things the right way,” Wayne Nixon, a Baton Rouge resident and LSU fan said. “These kids belong to the state of Louisiana. God blessed them with talent on the football field and they owe it to us to stay here and entertain us. It should be illegal for any of them to try and leave the state.”

Nixon may not have to wait long for his dream to become reality. Louisiana state representative Thomas Carmody has submitted a bill that would require all high school football players from the state of Louisiana to attend colleges in Louisiana unless they could pay a $500 per recruiting star fee. Critics argued that this bill is immoral and unconstitutional for forcing high school athletes to pay fines to attend colleges out of the state. Supporters argue that this will help Louisiana keep talented players in-state and help LSU win its long awaited fourth national championship.


Big 12 Debates Name Change

by Allen Kellogg

Dallas, TX
The Big 12 board of directors met over the weekend to discuss many issues that have plagued the conference for some time now. At the top of the list was the name of the conference.

“It is such an easy joke to make; the Big 12 has 10 teams, but we have the number 12 in our freaking name. It’s just so easy to crack jokes,” Oklahoma University president David Boren said.

The Big 12 is just one of several poorly named major conferences. The Big 10 currently has 14 members and has not had ten members since Penn State joined in 1990. When the Big 12 first formed in 1996, the conference had 12 members. However, it has not had more than 10 since Nebraska and Colorado departed in 2011.

Several names were put forward by various schools. Texas requested the conference rebrand itself as Texas, Oklahoma, and Friends. The University of Oklahoma suggested Oklahoma, Texas, & Company. The two sides could not reach an agreement, so both suggestions were dropped.

Other names that were suggested include: The Bigger 10, Best 10, Biggest 10, and the Big 12 minus 4 plus 2. However, Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany threatened legal action if the Big 12 conference decided to use the number 10 in any form in its new name, even if only arithmetically implied. Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby responded by meeting with Delany to discuss a possible trade.

The Big 12 currently owns both the names Big 14 and Big 16 and offered a straight up exchange by which the Big 12 would hand over its copyright to the Big 14 in exchange for the name Big 10.

“This swap is about common sense. We have 10 teams, and they have 14. It just makes sense,” Bowlsby said.

Delany said he understood the logic, but he must also consider all of the overweight Midwestern fans who have the current Big 10 logo tattooed on their bodies. “Tradition must come first; after money, of course,” Delany pointed out.

West Virginia President and potential successor to David Boren, E. Gordon Gee, said the conference should not expand to 12 or 14 because of the name. Gee said he would prefer being able to throw pennies at Cincinnati and spit on the University of Houston from his office.

It seems that the debate over the future of the conference name will continue for the foreseeable future.

Have a name suggestion? Please write to the conference head office.

Big 12 Secret Headquarters
420 South Fake Street
Irving, TX 75062
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