Due to Diversity Concerns, Three SEC Teams Will Change Mascots

By Matt Coffelt
Atlanta, Georgia

In a press conference on Tuesday morning, South Eastern Conference Commissioner Greg Sankey said the conference is moving forward with name changes for three teams to promote more diversity among SEC schools.

“The SEC is continually committed to promoting diversity. It is necessary for our collegiate atmospheres to continue to evolve in order to offer the best experiences possible to our students,” Sankey said. “The SEC is the greatest college football conference in the world and to maintain that title, the SEC can no longer abide so many of its member schools having duplicate mascots. The Yankees up North are laughing at us Southern Folk saying we aren’t creative at all.”

This new policy refers to three schools(Louisiana State, Auburn, and Missouri) who currently have a Tiger as their mascot and two others (Georgia and Mississippi State) who share the Bulldog. In order to accommodate this executive order, 3 schools will have to change their mascot.

The LSU and Missouri mascots date back to the Civil War. Soldiers from Louisiana and Missouri were called Tigers because of their ferocious reputation on the battlefield. Auburn says their team name comes from an Oliver Goldsmith poem entitled “The Deserted Village” written in 1770.

Mississippi State has used several names in the past such as the “Maroons” or “Aggies.” The university formerly adopted the name “Bulldogs” when the school was granted university status in the 1930’s. Georgia’s mascot was originally a goat and then two years later a white bull terrier. The school formerly adopted the name “Bulldogs” in the 1930’s.

When asked which schools would be permitted to keep their current mascot and which schools would have to select a new one, Sankey said the conference has not selected the best criteria to make an impartial decision.

“We haven’t ironed out the nitty gritty yet,” Stankey said when questioned about details on the plan. “The two leading options are allowing my boss, Nick Saban, to decide or making the head coaches fight it out in a cage match. All I know is that both LSU and Mizzou both got their mascots from the Civil War, and we’ll be following the Ole Miss example of moving away from these archaic symbols of the hatred and the past.”

When asked for comment, new LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron said, “De quoi parle cet homme avec le micro?”

It is assumed he was answering in his native Creole, or something, and was greatly upset by the move and potential threat to his school’s heritage. Other LSU fan expressed outrage over the proposed change. One fan said the name was about the state’s heritage, not hatred and resistance to the federal government. One man who is happy about the potential name change is LSU Athletic Director, Joe Alleva.

“LSU fans are the best and most loyal fans in the world,” Alleva said. “We can use this opportunity to sell each one of our fans new merchandise with the new name and sell vintage LSU Tigers gear at a huge mark up. With that extra money we can finally install an effective security system for our stadium and LSU will be able to commission a study on how to complete a forward pass. I guarantee the name change will be a huge financial windfall to our football program and I promise none of the money will go towards book learning or fixing the glory holes in the library.”

No official timeline for the transition was announced at the press conference, but Sankey did suggest that it would be effective sometime between the end of spring football practices and the start of the football season when the fewest possible collegiate fans would be paying attention. LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Georgia, and Mississippi State are already reaching out to alums and students about a possible name change.

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UCLA Head Coach announces new 3 year plan for UCLA football

By Allen Kellogg
Los Angeles, California

UCLA head football coach, Jim Mora Jr. announced that UCLA will undergo three years of hibernation where the team will focus on conditioning, team building, practice, and the development of an all new playbook. Mora said UCLA and their fans are tied of getting killed by their fellow Pac-12 schools and he believes that three years of hibernation will result in a new and vigorous program when the school decides to emerge from their slumber.

“A lot of thought went into this new three year plan,” Mora said. “Bruins are bears and as a result they need to hibernate to preserve their strength. Our players will get faster and stronger and because we aren’t playing any games. We won’t have to follow the NCAA’s rules limiting practice. I thought long and hard about this and after consulting my dad and my guru, I know I made the right decision.”

Mora said their players will still have the opportunity to play in the NFL. He said his new practice techniques have been developed with his father, former NFL head coach Jim Mora, and are specifically designed to prep UCLA’s players for the NFL. Jim Mora said Miles Jack’s serious knee injury and his departure from UCLA helped to inspire him to focus his program more on prepping players for the NFL rather than winning a Pac 12 championship. “The NFL is the goal for serious football players,” Mora said. “Here at UCLA, we are all about serious football players.”

Reaction from UCLA’s current players was mixed. Some players expressed disappointment, but most are optimistic about how this new hibernation program is going to improve their NFL stock.

“I came to college to prepare for my future in the NFL,” UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen said. “UCLA isn’t paying me to win games so I am kinda glad I don’t have to risk a serious injury playing in games behind an offensive line that can’t protect me. I also like that scouts won’t be able to criticize my game tape anymore. First round status, here I come.”

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott said he was disappointed UCLA’s football program is going to undergo three years of hibernation, but he understood that it was the school’s decision to pursue a new direction for the football team. UCLA football with be replaced in the Pac-12 by UC Davis for the three seasons. UC Davis president, Janet Napolitano, announced that UC Davis will receive 5 percent of the revenue generated by the Pac-12’s media deals. The remaining 95 percent will still go to UCLA.

Questions remain about whether or not three years of hibernation will help the Bruins football program. Some have argued that UCLA football will collapse and that no ‘croots will sign with a football program that doesn’t play any games. Others say that UCLA’s emphasis on NFL preparations will attract better players into the program and that without eligibility requirements, UCLA can attracted future NFL stars who aren’t concerned with playing school.

With the Big XII’s Future Uncertain, Should TCU Change It’s Name?

 

by Allen Kellogg

Fort Worth, Texas

Most experts agree the Big 12 will probably die in 2025 when the grant of rights keeping the conference together expire. Consensus opinion suggests that power 5 conferences will become four 16 team super conferences. The Big 12 is the least stable of the power 5 conferences and also the smallest. Large, distinguished athletic programs like Texas, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and Kansas will certainly find spots, but a smaller, less research oriented school like TCU may struggle to receive a super conference invite.

Of the four possible landing spots, the Pac-12 seems the most likely. Association of American Universities membership is a requirement for the Big 10. The SEC already has a Texas schools and A&M will likely resist any additional Texas schools attempting to join. The ACC is a poor fit geographically. This leaves the Pac-12 as the only hope for TCU.

The Pac-12 attempted to grab schools like Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State when the Big 12 nearly collapsed back in 2010, so we know they have expressed interest in expansion into Texas. A significant portion of new TCU students are coming in from California. California has nearly surpassed Texas as the main state where students come from. TCU also has schedule numerous out of conference games with Pac-12 schools. Sanford, Cal, and Colorado are future TCU opponents.

Some people believe that the school’s current name could be an issue should TCU attempt to join the Pac-12. BYU attempted to join back in 2010, but was rejected for cultural reasons. Many believe that BYU’s requirement that all teaching and research must fall in line with The Church of Latter Day Saints beliefs. Academic freedom is a big deal to the member schools and although TCU does have language protecting academic freedoms and does not require research and teachings to work with church doctrine, others have express skepticism that a school with the word “Christian” in the name would be accepted into the Pac-12.

The last thing TCU and its fans want to see is TCU relegated back a lower tier of college athletics as they were when the South West Conference dissolved. For that reason, here are some suggestions for potential name changes for TCU that will allow it to join the Pac-12:

  • Texas Construction University- Pretty sure they told this joke to everyone at orientation. You can’t go anywhere on campus without seeing a crane. I went back to campus after three years away and the whole campus was unrecognizable.
  • Texas Commonwealth University- Sounds fancy right?
  • Texas Chronic University- Four out of six Pac-12 states have legal marijuana. Marijuana is extremly popular on the left coast. Weed was extremely popular while I was at TCU. Not everyone smoked weed, but everyone knew somebody that did. With a name like this schools on the left coast are going to want to associate with us.
  • Texas Christian(Catholic, Armenian Christian, Assyrian Christian, Lollards, Orthodox, Lutheran, Evangelical, Anglican, Calvinist, Reformed, Born Again, Presbyterian, Amish, Mennonite, Methodist, Non-Baylor-Baptist, Pentacostal, Quaker, Adventist, Mormon, and fuck the Westboro Baptist Church I hope they burn in hell), Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Shinto, Buddhist, Wiccan, Sikhism, Heathenism, THE Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Voodoo, Taoism, Confusionism, Zoroastrian, Rastafarian, Druid, and any other faiths who are welcome at our University- or TC(CACACLOLEACRBAPAMMnBBPQAMaftWBCihtbih)MHAAJSBWSHTCotFSMVTCZRDaaofwawaoU for short. This is a name that will say that every faith (other than Baylor Baptists and the Westboro Baptist church are welcome on our campus. The Pac-12 is big into acceptance and I believe this name could give us an edge.
  • AddRan Male & Female College-going with the school’s original 1873 name. We were actually the first Co Ed school in Texas so this highlights diversity and progressiveness which the Pac 12 loves.
  • Texas College University- so learn, much smart, many class, long study, top school
  • Texas Compassion University- We will be your friend on the journey of learning.
  • Texas Condom University- Trojan(USC) approved!

Nick Saban Demands Battle Ready Carbon Exoskeletons in the Name of Player Safety

By Allen Kellogg
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Nick Saban is lobbying the NCAA to allow Alabama players to wear carbon exoskeletons in practice and games. He claims that these battle suits are in the name of player safety. The exoskeletons are made of military grade carbon fiber and titanium and according to multiple studies and they are able to prevent 98 percent of injuries including an 85 percent reduction in concussions.

“These suits are the future of football,” said Nick Saban, “We are talking about a system that reduces the impact on my players brains and bodies. This is a revolution in football.”

Critics argue that the new battle suits will give Alabama an unfair advantage The suits can boost a players raw strength by 56 percent and increase speed by 40 percent. This allows Alabama players to impart nearly three times the amount of force onto their opponents.

The suits were developed for the US Army as a force multiplier. It was supposed to enable soldiers to carrier heavier combat weapons and allow them to fight for longer. However, the exoskeletons cost roughly $15M so the Army decided not to adopt the machines. Instead all the machines were sold to the University of Alabama for an undisclosed sum.

When Saban was asked if he would share the technology with other schools, he said no. Saban said it was up to the schools to protect their players and if they didn’t want to pay 8 figures to protect their students, that was on the school. He also refused to divulge the company who provided Alabama the advanced military technology.

The advanced robotic technology and futuristic materials have several other advanced features. There is a laser rangefinder that was developed to direct heavy artillery fire and track fast flying combat jets and helicopters. Alabama has modified this technology to allow receivers to track footballs in the air which helps their receivers come down with the ball.

Nick Saban insisted that features like the laser tracking system and speed increases are not against NCAA rules and should be allowed on the field.