By Allen Kellogg
South Bend, Indiana
Notre Dame head football coach, Brian Kelly, found a new person to blame for a disappointing season. Kelly stood in front of the 134 ft tall “Word of Life” mural and hurled obscenities and blame at the image popularly known as Touchdown Jesus. Kelly then began to throw rocks and beer bottles at the image before being calmed down by Notre Dame security.
“It was just to awful to hear those words being said about Jesus,” Notre Dame freshman Hayley Gordon said, “I was taught to believe that we do everything the right way here at Notre Dame, but after hearing Coach Kelly say those horrible thing, I just don’t know.”
Kelly then called a press conference and attempted to explain his actions. His face was purple with rage as he took the podium. Kelly said that Touchdown Jesus was to blame for many misfortunes of the Fighting Irish including the weather, fan support, and the work ethic and motivation of his players.
“That f***ing guy [Touchdown Jesus] is supposed to be all powerful. He is the son of God and he can’t fucking stop a hurricane from ruining our game against NC State,” Kelly said, “I’ve won big games in the past so I know it’s not my fault. The weather in that NC State game was horse shit. I wanted sun shine, but I got rain.”
Kelly said that his players look to Touchdown Jesus for motivation and to inspire them to play like champions. Kelly said the blame for Notre Dame’s 2-4 home record rest firmly on the murals head.
“Obliviously that didn’t happen this year. Jesus didn’t do his damn job,” Kelly said. “I work my ass off for this school and then I get betrayed but that clown? Who does he think he is? Now I hear he is getting cozy with Dabo Sweeney down at Clemson. That guy is a total Judas; You just can’t trust him.”
“It’s so difficult to try and coach a championship football team with him judging you over your shoulder,” Kelly said. “I feel his smug face second guessing me on the sideline.”
Kelly added that it was not his fault Notre Dame got caught by the NCAA when a student trainer wrote essays for football players. He said the blame rested firmly with the trainer, players, and Touchdown Jesus for not monitoring his players and keeping them out of trouble. He said that Touchdown Jesus was responsible for his players getting arrested as well; they should have learned some morals from the mural.
Kelly ended his press conference by yelling at an intern for his bottle of water not being cold enough. He then stormed out saying he couldn’t wait to leave Notre Dame once he gets offered an NFL head coaching job.
Former Notre Dame Quarterback and potential first round draft pick, DeShone Kizer, said he was glad to be leaving Notre Dame so he could be rid of Coach Kelly. “I learned a lot from that guy, but man he is an asshole,” Kizer said.
Notre Dame Athletic Director, Jack Swarbrick, said he wanted to fired Brian Kelly. However because the school just finished paying a buyout to former head coach Charlie Weis, his hands are tied. He acknowledged that fans, students, and alums are upset with Kelly’s recent performance, but reiterated that Brain Kelly was their best choice for head coach and that no one wanted to see Tyron Willingham or Charlie Weis 2.0. Swarbrick said he reached out to former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz and asked him to meet with Kelly to work on his anger issues. Brian Kelly has not responded whether or not he will meet with Holtz.