By Allen Kellogg
Clemson, South Carolina
Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney announced his new church this afternoon, The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Watson. Deshaun Watson is a former Clemson starting quarterback who defeated Alabama in the national championship and according to Sweeney a future NFL Star. Services will be held every Saturday and on every other Wednesday.
It just came to me in a vision Swinney said. He also said he ate nothing but Todaro’s pizza for 40 days and 40 nights in the hope that God would speak to him.
“The good lord came down to me and we spoke face to face,” Swinney said.”He just told me that Deshaun was his true son and that he was the second coming of Touchdown Jesus. I knew God was a Clemson fan, how else could we have beaten Nick Saban if God was not on our side? When the lord spoke to me he just told me how it was and what I needed to do. He just told me to build a church, the grandest of churches to Deshaun and to honor him before each game.”
“When you look at Deshaun what do you see? Just a QB? Well you’re wrong. That man is the most honest, hard-working, humble, good, and righteous man I have ever met,” Swinney said. “He made everyone on this team better and didn’t take any credit for it himself. With traits like that how could he not be the second coming of Touchdown Jesus.”
Swinney said that Watson was the obvious number one pick and that God told him that it was his will that he should be drafted by the Browns. Watson would forgive the Browns fans for their sins. Sins like destroying the stadium when the team announced it was moving or sending death threats to ownership.
“The people of Cleveland have been mislead by a false prophet, Robert Griffin,” Swinney said. “The man claimed to be perfect man and quarterback, but pride comes just before the fall and fall he has. He [Bob Griffin] wrapped himself in the scripture, but it was a lie. He did not honor his wife or child and if you look at the name Robert Griffin Third all you need to do is mover one letter and you get 6-6-6. Deshaun is going to save them.”
“Once the fans hear his gospel they will cast down the false prophet and allow Deshaun to lead them on a crusade to vanquish Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the Patriots. Then finally Deshaun is going to lead the Browns to the promise land. A land of milk, honey, and love. A Super Bowl,” Swinney said.
Swinney insisted the Bob Griffin is the Anti-Christ and that Watson will defeat him in the Brown’s quarterback competition in training camp. “He [Watson] is going to banish that man from the NFL,” Swinney said. “The goodness inside Deshaun is too much for Griffin. He is going to be banished to the Canadian Football league where he will remain in that frozen wasteland.”
Swinney said God told him the exact dimensions of his new church. It is to be 100 cubits long by 40 cubits wide and in the shape and color of a giant football. In the middle there will be a solid, gold statue of Watson preparing to draw his fake bow. Every member of the congregation will receive a slice of pepperoni pizza once they have been baptized in a stream of Gamecock fans’ tears. He also said he is giving the team an extra four weeks off in the spring so he can write the first book of his new bible, the First Book of Dabotoci.
When asked about the other Clemson players who had declared for the NFL Draft Swinney said he loves them and wishes them well, but he can’t allow them to distract him from his holy mission. He finished his press conference with a reading from Dabotoci and a prayer.
“And lo on the day before the day of the new year the chosen son of Clemson faced down the Buckeye. He prayed for God to give him the strength to vanquish his foe. The whistle sounded and Touchdown Jesus let fly and a wave of arrows to smite the beast. God was with him for on that day Ohio State scored zero points. God’s chosen people stormed the field, bringing their own guts. Then Deshaun Watson took a knee and gave thanks then he prayed for the souls of his vanquished foe that they may know peace. Watson then offered up a pizza as a sacrifice and God blessed that pizza so that Touchdown Jesus was able to feed 300,000 with that one pizza.” Dabotoci 31:0
“Lord we give thanks that you us send us Touchdown Jesus. We give thanks that the Bulldawgs ignored his gospel. We thank you keeping us humble and giving us the determination we needed for this season in 2015. We praise you for making the winds of fate blow Bambard’s kick wide left. We humbly give thanks that you taught us to stay hungry when we faced the City of Steel’s eaters of feces. We sing your praises for vanquishing the evil nut. It was your true strength that allowed us to banish Nick Saban, his false Idol Baal, and Elephant riders. We celebrate your glory every time we gaze upon the shiny trophy. Thou hast led us to Victory and soon shall be the savior of Cleveland. In your name we pray. Go Tigers.”
God could not be reached for comment.