Every Big 12 Coach As A Figure From The American Revolution

 

Allen Kellogg
Independence Hall, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

 

Gary Patterson – Friedrich Wilhelm Rudolf Gerhard August, Freiherr von Steuben

Steuben came to America from France to help train inexperienced American volunteers and turn them into professional regulars who would face the British Redcoats head-on. Patterson has done much the same at TCU. Starting out in the WAC, Patterson transformed underrated and overlooked ‘croots into great players, switching them to different positions and maximizing their on-field talents. Under his leadership, TCU transformed from an afterthought to a Big 12 title contender.

 

Matt Ruhle- Benedict Arnold

Arnold could have been an American Hero. He proved to be one of Washington’s best generals. However, his wounded sense of pride and insatiable greed caused Arnold to betray the rebellion. He attempted to sell West Point to the British and later commanded British troops against the Continentals. Ruhle enjoyed lots of success in Philadelphia, the cradle of the Republic. Ruhle could have been a hero. Instead, he sold his soul for a bunch of money and joined the bad guys.

 

Lincoln Riley- Benjamin Gates

Gates experienced his fair share of ups and downs throughout his career. He was there for the American victory at Saratoga, but is also responsible for the disastrous American defeat at Camden. While he never commanded a field army after Camden, Gates did attempt to usurp General Washington. Riley finds himself in the unenviable position of trying to replace Sooner legend Bob Stoops. While he has no head coaching experience, Riley is equipped with all the tools he needs to succeed at Oklahoma.

Mike Gundy- Daniel Morgan

Morgan is regarded as one of the best Continental officers and best tacticians of the American Revolution. Morgan’s rifles used guerilla tactics and long-range barrels to great effect in many battles. Gundy also displays tactical brilliance on the football field and uses deep passes with similarly deadly efficiency as that of Morgan’s rifles. He also maintains the grizzled appearance of a frontier tracker.

 

Matt Campbell- Ethan Allen

When the conflict began, Allen rallied volunteers and captured Fort Ticonderoga from the British. Allen enjoyed early fame, but his regiment fought in the ill-advised invasion of Canada. The British captured Allen and he remained their prisoner for several years. Campbell experienced early success at Toledo, but he is now similarly stranded at Iowa State.

 

Bill Snyder- Ben Franklin

Franklin is the oldest founding father. He spent the war at the court of Louis XVI lobbying the French for support. Franklin spent his day drinking, playing chess, seducing pretty French ladies, and playing the role of a rough American frontiersman. Snyder is the oldest coach in the game. Like Franklin, he is wise and possesses great diplomatic skills. While he may not still regularly partake in drinking and fornicating, Snyder and Franklin do share a certain wizardly quality.

 

Tom Herman- Patrick Henry

“Give me liberty or give me death.” With these words, Patrick Henry both immortalized himself and also prompted Virginia to join the rebellion. Henry’s fiery rhetoric inspired a generation of American Patriots to arms. In Herman, Texas believes they have found a coach who will spark the Longhorns to perform better on the field. Herman brings a new attitude and breath of new energy into a Texas program ready to join the competitive fray.

 

Dana Holgersen- Daniel Boone

Boone was an American frontier hero. He spent much of his time in the Appalachian Mountains living as a mountain man. During the war, he led the defense of the frontier from Native tribes allied with the British. Holgersen is also a mountain man living in Appalachia. He is famous for his consumption of Red Bull and moonshine. Like Boone, he spends a lot of his free time picking off squirrels from 100 yards away.

 

Kliff Kingsbry- Paul Revere

Revere is a big part of American lore for his midnight ride to warn the patriots of a British invasion. After his ride, Revere served in the Massachusetts militia with mixed results. Kingsbury has also experienced his own ups and downs as Tech’s coach. While a rider is a staple of Tech games, the results on the field have been more Lexington than Concord.

 

David Beaty- Richard Montgomery

Montgomery was the leader of an ill-advised invasion of Canada in 1775…In the middle of winter. The Americans suffered a humiliating defeat at the gates of Quebec, where Montgomery died leading the attack. Beatty finds himself in a nearly hopeless situation in Lawrence. While he did beat Texas, he possesses a dismal 2-22 overall record at Kansas.

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Jim Harbaugh Gives Scholarship Offer to a 4-week-old Fetus

by Allen Kellogg
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh gave a football scholarship offer to a 4-week-old fetus last week. Harbaugh said he expects the fetus to play linebacker for Michigan in 2036. The future parents Will and Tanya Marston said they are grateful Coach Harbaugh is considering their unborn child for an athletic scholarship, but feel that the pressure of being a future college athlete is too much to put on a still developing fetus. “We don’t even know if our child is going to be a boy or a girl at this point. All my wife and I want is a healthy, happy baby,” Mr. Marston said.

 
Jim Harbaugh dismissed any criticism for his actions, referring to his critics as short-sighted and living in the past. He defended his actions as forward thinking and called himself a football pioneer.

 
“Crooting is so much more competitive than it was even 10 years ago,” Harbaugh said. “I did all the research. I am a keen believer in eugenics, I studied this kid’s genetic lineage going back over 200 years, so I know he is going to be a hell of a football player by the time he finishes high school. Eugenics get a bad rap from a lot of people, but when you read the work from the top eugenicists from 80 years ago, it is clear these men had a very good idea of how you can use genes to predict athletic ability.”

 
When questioned about the ethical implications of the Nazi’s work in eugenics during World War II, Harbaugh was unaware that they were even part of the war, stating, “Wasn’t that the scuffle when we dropped some bombs into the endzone and sealed the deal?”

 
Will Marston is a former US Olympic wrestler and his wife Tanya took home a gold medal in the 2004 Summer Olympics in the women’s hundred-meter dash. The family has a long history of athletic prowess dating back to before the American Civil War, Harbaugh said. Mr. Marston’s father, Walton Marston, was a Michigan basketball player in the 1950’s.

 
When asked how he could give a football scholarship to an unborn child who’s sex has not yet been determined, Harbaugh said he read the entrails of a ritualistically sacrificed cow which explained the child’s whole future.

 
“This kid is going to be a monster,” Harbaugh said. ” 6′ 3” 230lbs and running a 4.45 as a senior in high school. The entrails I read prove that with a little coaching and a solid strength and conditioning program, this kid is going to be a top 5 draft pick when he finishes at Michigan. These are the kind of croots we need if we want to compete at the highest level.”

 
Harbaugh said he understood why people were so concerned about football coaches offering scholarships to fetuses, but these people need to understand that times are changing and that recruiting is starting earlier every year. The best way to beat Ohio State, Alabama, or USC is to start winning recruiting battles 18 years ahead of time.

 
Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer said that he feels recruiting unborn children is a few steps too far. His view is that there is no point giving out a scholarship until the child is at least old enough to sign their name on a letter of intent in crayon.

LSU Coach Ed Orgeron Insists All Louisiana High School ‘Croots Belong to Him

 

By Allen Kellogg

Baton Rouge, LA

LSU head coach Ed Orgeron has now promised to take action against any out-of-state school that dares to recruit inside the borders of Louisiana. Orgeron is facing criticism for shutting down a football camp held by division III school Belhaven University in Hammond, Louisiana.

“Dis peaplle comt ta mah hoome n tay mah cwoots. I dun pay da sheet. Tell’em al, suk mah Tiagar dick,” Orgeron said.

Critics argue that LSU and Coach O are severely limiting the exposure for high school players, which reduces their opportunities to play at the college level. LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva said that any talk reducing high school players opportunities was “bull shit” and that the players who are not talented enough to play for LSU can go to any school in Louisiana of their choice. “These players belong to the state of Louisiana,” Alleva said.

Some of the high school players have complained that they feel they are being pressured to stay in the state by family, friends, and even total strangers.

Geoffrey LaMont, a 2 star corner from Mt. Hermon, Louisiana, said he was disappointed that LSU had forced the Hammond camp to close. LaMont is currently a senior with a 4.20 GPA. He said he plans to study bio-medical engineering in college and was hoping to meet with the Cornell coaching staff at the Harmmond camps to pursue a chance of playing football in the Ivy league. LSU’s decision to cancel the football camp, though, prevented him from meeting with the Cornell football staff.

“Deese bois tink dey nees a gewd skool, bat ain nobodey nees uh Ivy legeaux edumaktion. Dis boi shud faucos on de fooobawl,” Orgeron said.

Orgeron won over the support of many LSU fans and Louisiana residents with his stance of “protect the state of Louisiana from outsiders trying to steal our football players.” He kept his promise by blocking any outside school from hosting a football camp in Louisiana. If a school wants to hold a camp, they better be from his state.

“He is doing things the right way,” Wayne Nixon, a Baton Rouge resident and LSU fan said. “These kids belong to the state of Louisiana. God blessed them with talent on the football field and they owe it to us to stay here and entertain us. It should be illegal for any of them to try and leave the state.”

Nixon may not have to wait long for his dream to become reality. Louisiana state representative Thomas Carmody has submitted a bill that would require all high school football players from the state of Louisiana to attend colleges in Louisiana unless they could pay a $500 per recruiting star fee. Critics argued that this bill is immoral and unconstitutional for forcing high school athletes to pay fines to attend colleges out of the state. Supporters argue that this will help Louisiana keep talented players in-state and help LSU win its long awaited fourth national championship.

Big 12 Debates Name Change

by Allen Kellogg

Dallas, TX
The Big 12 board of directors met over the weekend to discuss many issues that have plagued the conference for some time now. At the top of the list was the name of the conference.

“It is such an easy joke to make; the Big 12 has 10 teams, but we have the number 12 in our freaking name. It’s just so easy to crack jokes,” Oklahoma University president David Boren said.

The Big 12 is just one of several poorly named major conferences. The Big 10 currently has 14 members and has not had ten members since Penn State joined in 1990. When the Big 12 first formed in 1996, the conference had 12 members. However, it has not had more than 10 since Nebraska and Colorado departed in 2011.

Several names were put forward by various schools. Texas requested the conference rebrand itself as Texas, Oklahoma, and Friends. The University of Oklahoma suggested Oklahoma, Texas, & Company. The two sides could not reach an agreement, so both suggestions were dropped.

Other names that were suggested include: The Bigger 10, Best 10, Biggest 10, and the Big 12 minus 4 plus 2. However, Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany threatened legal action if the Big 12 conference decided to use the number 10 in any form in its new name, even if only arithmetically implied. Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby responded by meeting with Delany to discuss a possible trade.

The Big 12 currently owns both the names Big 14 and Big 16 and offered a straight up exchange by which the Big 12 would hand over its copyright to the Big 14 in exchange for the name Big 10.

“This swap is about common sense. We have 10 teams, and they have 14. It just makes sense,” Bowlsby said.

Delany said he understood the logic, but he must also consider all of the overweight Midwestern fans who have the current Big 10 logo tattooed on their bodies. “Tradition must come first; after money, of course,” Delany pointed out.

West Virginia President and potential successor to David Boren, E. Gordon Gee, said the conference should not expand to 12 or 14 because of the name. Gee said he would prefer being able to throw pennies at Cincinnati and spit on the University of Houston from his office.

It seems that the debate over the future of the conference name will continue for the foreseeable future.

Have a name suggestion? Please write to the conference head office.

Big 12 Secret Headquarters
420 South Fake Street
Irving, TX 75062
Re: Baker Mayfield is a chode

Oregon, Nike, and the Sporting Apparel Revolution

by Allen Kellogg
Eugene, OR

Nike dominates college football like no other brand. Eighteen of the last 20 schools to win a National Championship wore Nike made uniforms, cleats, and apparel. Addias has one natty, Tennessee in 1998. Under Armor also has one, Auburn in 2010. Currently 71 out of 128 FBS team wear Nike. When looking at the P5 level, the ratio is even higher: 46 schools out of 66 power programs wear Nike.

However, Nike University, better known as the University of Oregon, has failed to win a championship in college football. The Ducks have been one of the most popular teams in the last 20 years and they make no effort to hide their Nike connections.

“It’s all about the croots,” Oregon head coach, Willie Taggart said. “Croots are just like fish. For some reason, they are attracted to bright, gaudy colors and crazy designs. Testing Nike prototypes has its advantages and disadvantages, but most of the time the news gear is phenomenal. However not all of it is good. Last year the team tried out a new ultra-lightweight cleat made of recycled paper. It does not work.”

Oregon went 4-8 last year.

Former Nike CEO, Phil Knight, ran track at Oregon in the late 1950’s. He went on to found Nike in 1964. Since then Nike has come to dominate the world of athletic apparel. The company is headquartered in Oregon and works with the University of Oregon to develop its products. With the backing of Nike, Oregon has been able to throw out hundreds of uniform combinations of the years. The Ducks almost never wear the same jersey’s twice. Knight has donated nearly half a billion dollars to the Oregon athletic department and yet despite all the resources and perks the Ducks have failed to win a single National Championship in football.

The team came close in 2010 falling just short of Cam Newton and Auburn in the national championship. In the first College football Playoff Oregon defeated previous year’s champion Florida State, but fell to Ohio State and their 3rd string QB in the game that actually mattered. Phil Knight has learned the hard way that you cannot buy a championship in amateur sports, there are just too many variables.

This leads us to a very important question, what happens to all the Oregon national championship apparel and old uniforms?

We did some investigating and discovered that all of the apparel not to be sold to the general public is shipped back to the factory where it is made and sold to the factory workers. Prices vary, but game worn jerseys are the most popular and generally cost about $12 USD or roughly two weeks pay.

“The jersey very nice,” an anonymous female worker at Nike’s Pou Chen factory in Taiwan said. “The material thin to keep us cool, but is also strong. Helps to soften the beatings.” This worker said after a while she will try and sell the jerseys online. Doing this can bring in up to $80 USD or enough money to feed her 7 children for 5 months. “When I sell Jersey buyer thinks the sweat is from Marcus Mariota or TJ Ward, but it actually is mine.”

Nike’s corporate office said the 18 national championships in 20 years is evidence their gear is the top of the line, but Oregon’s lack of success shows the importance of proper testing before a new product is launched. When pressed about the conditions their labor force is exposed to, Nike said no other sporting good manufacturer offers game worn apparel to their employees.

“We tell our workers the same thing every day, A Nike spokesman said. “Just do it.”

United Airlines Forcibly Removing USC Season Ticket Holders From LA Coliseum

By Matt Coffelt
Los Angeles, CA

Another bout of public relations trouble struck United Airlines after they shouldered blame for the displacement of thousands of USC season ticket holders. Fans woke up to an email at 3 a.m. informing them their season tickets were gone and no refund would be issued. Some fans had been season ticket holders for over 20 years. Several USC fans turned to social media to vent their frustration, but no one cared.

Sports Business Daily reported Thursday that United Airlines has purchased the naming rights to the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. A USC spokesperson said the school hopes to offset some of the projected $270M in renovation costs with this partnership. This makes the airline the single largest contributor to the project and responsible for forcing 9,000 midfield season ticket holders out of their seats to make way for a new, first class luxury seating tower.

“It was horrifying to watch,” an unaffected season ticket holder said. “Those people had just paid for their seats and came in with the expectation of being able to use them. Being manhandled like that was a blatant over application of force. I could understand the use of force if the guy was a fan of the other LA school, but we are Southern Cal. We deserve better than this.”

When asked why the individual didn’t step in to help, the season ticket holder mumbled something about diffusion of responsibility and social contracts while walking away.

One of the affected season ticket holders, who wished to remain anonymous, said he couldn’t believe United had double booked their seats and simply gave it to the person who had paid more.

“Disgustingly unethical behavior,” the affected ticket holder said. “I’m still embarrassed, and slightly covered in bruises, by this whole affair. I’m hiring a lawyer and plan to sue United and my alma mater for at least $12M, which should cover a founder’s box at least [in the new box seating].”

When asked for comment, United representatives said they couldn’t comment specifically as they have yet to complete a three month investigation into the situation, but they insisted that United had done nothing innapropriate and it was their paying customers who were wrong.

“People are focusing on all the wrong things,” United spokesperson, Faye Brooke said. “It’s not about the poor people who lost their season tickets. The real story should be about all the new features in these executive suites. Each suite will have a fully stocked bar, personal chef, and a direct line of communication with Clay Helton’s headset. Our premium fans will now be able to yell obscenities directly into the coaches ear whenever he makes a mistake.”

Other features of the luxury tower include: a hot yoga studio, kale bar, dog grooming center, and a microbrewery. Purchasing one of these suites could set you back a considerable sum, ranging into the millions of dollars on the highest end. There is a $50k fee just to get on the waiting list, and you have to know someone on the list before you can hope to get your own suite. The biggest downside for suite owners is they will also have eight Rams home games included in their USC season ticket package.

USC said it is unfortunate but unavoidable that some fans lost their season tickets, but the school made it very clear to its valued pass holders that single game tickets were still available on StubHub.

Big XII Passes Peacefully After Prolonged Battle With Expansion

By Allen Kellogg

Dallas, Texas

 

The Big 12, formerly one of the premier college athletic conferences, passed away last night while attending a conference meeting in Dallas. The Big 12 was just 23 years old. Friends, family, and A&M fans gathered in Dealey Plaza last night to pay respects and or make snide comments. The beloved conference finally lost a long battle with conference realignment and the stress at the late night meeting caused a fatal collapse. There will be memorial service held at Cowboy Stadium at 5 P.M. on Sunday, May 21. Tickets for the service start at $120 and will be streamed on the Longhorn Network.

The conference was conceived in February of 1994 as a merger between the Big 8 conference and several members of the Southwest Conference. The conference began competition in August 1996. The Big 12 was regarded as one of the strongest athletic conferences in nation until 2010 when an erosion of trust over unequal revenue sharing caused a split between several of the member schools. The University of Texas made a decision to capitalize on the lack of unity and partnered with ESPN to form the Longhorn Network. Dejected that no TV network wanted to pay their school millions of dollars to cover their university’s sports teams, Nebraska left the conference and joined the Big 10. Soon after, Colorado departed from the Big 12 finding refuge in the Pac-10 which expanded to 12 teams.

Bitter from a lack of respect and angered by the futility of their athletic programs, Texas A&M decided to leave the conference to and move over to the SEC where the Aggies could be a perennial 4th place team in the West division. Missouri soon followed. Down to just eight teams the conference added consistent Cinderella, TCU, and the only football program in the Big East, West Virginia. Despite the conferences being a solid number 3 in revenue after the 14 team SEC and Big 10, the focus has been on the Big 12’s pitiful performance in the 2017 NFL draft and the embarrassment of the failed conference realignment of 2016. The Big 12 mulled expansion last summer and interviewed several G5 programs. However, the conference chose not to expand after the Big 12 was paid off by the same media conglomerates who insisted the conference had to expand to survive. The conference chose to remain at 10 members. The 2017 NFL draft was a unmitigated disaster for the conference. The Big 12 only had one player, Texas Tech QB Pat Mahomes, go in the 1st round and only had 14 players taken in the NFL draft, fewer than the G5 AAC.

With its future bleak, the Big 12 met in Dallas on Thursday, May 11 to come up with an action plan to pull the conference back from the brink. However, the event became heated when the conference agreed to a name change, but could not reach consensus on what the new name should be. The two names up for debate were Texas, Oklahoma, & Friends or Oklahoma, Texas, & Company. Texas and Oklahoma could not reach a compromise and the shock of this decision caused the conference to collapse. Despite Iowa State providing CPR immediately, the conference did not recover and was pronounced dead at 9:17 P.M.

“It is with great sadness that I must announce the passing of the Big 12,” Oklahoma President David Boren said. “No one wanted this conference to prosper more than myself and I want to apologize to the Big 8 for being unable to save her offspring. I promise that Oklahoma will be just fine. I have met with T. Boone Pickens and as soon as his nine figure check clears we will proud to announce a new Oklahoma only conference with Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Tulsa, and a few other schools yet to be named as members.”

Texas President, Gregory Fenves, said Texas would begin operating as an independent and that the Longhorn Network is expecting to transition into a digital platform in addition to continue using the standard cable model.

Baylor announced that it will be joining the Western Athletic Conference(WAC) in most sports but will become a member of the Sun Belt for football. Baylor officials said that they would require the WAC to change their name to the Western Athletic Conference Organization or (WACO) before joining. School officials said they have no doubt an agreement will be reached between Baylor and the WAC. Other former members of the Big 12 are still scrambling to try and find another conference that will take them.

“I left the meeting for a moment to call the University of Houston and let them know they would be allowed to join the Big 12 starting in 2018,” former Big 12 commissioner, Bob Bowlsby, said. “I came back to the meeting room, but all the doors were all locked, all the lights were turned off, and all I could hear was Iowa State, Kansas State, and TCU sobbing. I just wish someone had told me the conference was dead.”

AAC Seeks ESPN Deal To Secure Position As Sixth Power Conference

by Allen Kellogg

Providence, Rhode Island
May 7, 2017
The American Athletic conference today attempted to reach an agreement with ESPN that would require the sports network to designate the AAC as a power conference.

College football is currently broken into a strict hierarchy based on financial resources and fan support. The Power Five or P5 consists of the Atlantic Coast Conference, the Big 10, the Big 12, the Pac 12, and the South Eastern Conference. These conferences all have massive media deals worth hundreds of millions of dollars and represent the largest and most popular schools in the nation. The Group of Five, or G5, consists of all the smaller conferences like the AAC, Mountain West or the Sun Belt which are made up of smaller schools. Their media deals are a fraction of those held by the P5 and these schools are often overlooked by the playoff committee, ranking systems, and the bowl committees.

The AAC believe that it should be considered one of the power conference and has used the term Power Six to describe itself. During the bowl season each AAC team wore a P6 decal on their helmets. The AAC went 2-5 in bowl games and received widespread jeers for the decal and the conference performance. Because of this failure and the perceived lack of respect from outside the conference, the AAC has come up with a multifaceted plan to improve the conference perception and become a power conference.

Conference representatives reached out to ESPN and made the struggling network an offer to pay for ESPN to promote the conference as a power conference. The deal has yet to be finalized, but sources indicate that the AAC will be paying up to 120M per year for ESPN to promote them. The current AAC media deal is worth $126M over seven years or about $18M a year. Sources inside the conference head office say ESPN’s current payout to the conference will be considered as part of the new deal reducing the overall payment to ESPN to $102M per year.

Experts are unsure how the conference will be able to pony up that much cash, but conference commissioner, Mike Aresco said the AAC is debating several revenue generating strategies.

“Number one, is we are selling the University of Connecticut to a foreign buyer for roughly $300 million. This will provide the conference with the money we need to proceed with our partnership with ESPN. Liberty University will be taking UConn’s place and has promised to pay us $30 million a year for the next 20 years, Aresco said.

Aresco also said the schools in the AAC are looking at selling the naming rights of the universities and their football teams. For example, Temple University announced they will become Comcast University and their team will be renamed the Blue Rays.

In recent years the AAC has often been the place where P5 schools go to find an new head coach for their team and as a result the AAC struggles to remain consistent when it comes to coaching. For example, three AAC coaches, Tom Herman(Houston), Matt Ruhle(Temple), and Willie Taggart (USF) all left their AAC schools before bowl season started for new jobs in the power five. The conference is debating mandating a posting fee similar to what the Japanese Baseball league has with the MLB. P5 clubs will be required to pay an 8 figure sum to the conference just for the opportunity to try and negotiate with an AAC team’s coach. The money is non-refundable and does not count towards any buyout the coach may have in his contract.

Revenue generation is just one facet of the AAC plan. Filling their stadiums is critical for the national image. Aresco said the conference will take a page out of North Korea’s playbook and hire thousands of actors to play the role of school fans at home games. North Korea was reputed to have hired tens of thousands of Chinese actors to act as their fans during the 2008 World Cup in South Africa because North Korea refused to allow their own citizens to leave the country.

Aresco said all these changes may not improve the product on the field, but what matters is the money generated by the conference.

“The AAC is pioneering new ways for colleges to profit from their student athletes,” Aresco said. “At the end of the day being good at football has nothing to do with being a power conference. Look at the Big 12. Money is power.”

Is Nick Saban the reincarnation of Carthaginian General Hannibal Barca?

 

Allen Kellogg,

Rome, Italy

 

Nick Saban has established himself as the greatest college football coach of his time. When asked about his success, he will talk about “the process.” Recently evidence suggests that “the process” is not the sole reason for his success. Nick Saban is actually the reincarnated soul of one of the greatest generals in world history. The famous Carthaginian general, Hannibal.

For those not familiar with the history of the ancient world, Hannibal Barca is an icon in military history. Carthage was a North African empire based in modern day Tunisia. Carthage and Rome were rivals who fought in three of the bloodiest wars in the ancient world. Rome would go on to completely obliterate Carthage at the end of the 3rd Punic war. During the Second Punic war, Hannibal led a Carthaginian army, including several war elephants, from Spain across the Alps into Roman Italy in 217 BC. For seven years he rampaged all over Italy obliteration any Roman army that crossed his path. At Cannae, he pulled of one of the greatest military maneuvers of all time. Outnumbered nearly 2-1 he destroyed the largest Roman field army in history killing an estimated 100,000 roman soldiers.

What exactly do Nick Saban and Hannibal have in common? Well it turns out quite a bit.

Nick Saban, like Hannibal has a burning hatred of Rome. It dates back to his time at Michigan State. As the leader of the Spartans, Saban remained bitter of the Roman conquest of Greece in 146 BC. Evidence of his hatred of Rome was seen when Saban scoffed at Michigan head coach, Jim Harbaugh, announcing he would be taking his team to Rome over spring break.

When Hannibal was just a little boy, his father Hamilcar made his son swear a blood oath to never give the Romans a moments peace. New documents out of Tuscaloosa that this was the same blood oath Nick Saban took when he signed his first contract with Alabama. Part of the deal is that he swore to never give the rest of the SEC a moments peace

Hannibal and Saban have the same winning percentage; 77.1%. Saban is 205-61-1 while Hannibal went 3-1 in major battles and 165-37 in skirmishes. Saban does not tolerate insubordination. He forced Lane Kiffin to resign right before a national championship. In a ironically similar move Hannibal crucified the sub commander in charge of his Numidian cavalry right before his great defeat at Zama.

However the most damning evidence are rumors of infant sacrifices in Tuscaloosa. Ancient Carthage was a polytheistic society. The head god was Baal Hamon. To keep Baal appeased, the Carthaginians would cast infants in to a pit of flames. Forensic evidence has found the skeletons of infants in former Carthaginian holy sites. Rumors of child sacrifices have followed Saban for years. Alabama State Troopers and Tuscaloosa PD refuse to discuss the issue and no missing children have been reported. The only response we could get from those asked is a “ROLL DAMN TIDE.”

However hospital records in Tuscaloosa show that nearly 200 infants are unaccounted for. These babies have birth certificates, but any other documentation to show this child existed cannot be found. Seven miles south of Bryant-Denny stadium is a pit hidden in deep in the back woods of Alabama. It is guarded 24/7 365, but not by law enforcement officers. These mysterious guards refer to themselves as the “sacred band” which was also the name of the elite soldiers of Carthage. Alabama fans consider the Crimson Tide to be a religion. Every Saturday they sing praises of Nick Saban and their god, “Foot Baal.”

Nick Saban refuses to acknowledge any connection to the Carthaginian general, however he does have a stone bust of Hannibal in his office and speaks highly of the general’s leadership. Don’t forget both men have an elephant on their banner.

 

How to Ruin Your Draft Stock and Cost Yourself Millions of Dollars

 

WARNING – The following story contains things that are actually mostly accurate.

By Allen Kellogg
Indianapolis, IN

The NFL combine is a place where prospective NFL rookies can show of their speed, strength, and athleticism. Some players helped themselves by running lightning quick 40-yard-dashes or proving their strength by benching 225lbs multiple times. Other players decided to shoot themselves in the foot and cost themselves large amounts of money by running their mouths.

 
Tim Williams LB Alabama

Williams was viewed before the combine as a possible 1st rounder, another stud linebacker out of Alabama in the mold of Dont’a Hightower, Reggie Ragland or C.J. Mosley. However, William chose to talk about how many drug test he failed at Alabama. “Oh yeah. I have failed some,” Williams said. While I commend him for his honesty, his method could have been better. Rather than talking about the test he failed, why not talk about how long he has been clean? I am not going to call this kid a bad guy because he likes to smoke weed, but the NFL has shown itself to be more than willing to kick a talented player out of the NFL for smoking pot. Williams compares well to former Nebraska star Randall Gregory. Both are excellent pass rushers and like to smoke. Gregory dropped into the second round before being picked up by the Cowboys with the 60th pick. Gregory has already gotten in trouble with the NFL’s drug testing protocol 4 times despite being in the league for only two years. He will spend the 2017 season suspended for missing another drug test. Williams has a ton of talent, but when scouts say they are worried that he has a “Randy Gregory like problem,” you know he is going to fall in the draft.

 
Reuben Foster LB Alabama

 
Roll Tide! Foster distinguished himself at Alabama and was considered a lock to be one of the first 10 players taken off the board. He is the current Butkus Award winner and the leading tackler for the Crimson Tide. Foster is recovering from surgery and was not expected to run drills, but was expected to interview with multiple teams. Those never happened. Foster got in a confrontation with a medical staffer and was sent home. Sources says Foster became agitated while waiting in line with and said something to one of the medical officers who took offense. Foster said something along the lines of “Bruh, do you know who I am I will bust your skinny ass.” The NFL sent him home and he missed speaking with 16 teams. The Combine is like the first job interview. It’s tedious and annoying, but everybody has to do it and it’s just part of the process. Failing that interview is going to take a bite out of Foster’s potential earnings.

 
Malik McDowell DT Michigan State

 
McDowell before the combine could have been a top 3 pick. That won’t happen now. McDowell reportedly bombed the interview section. One NFL team said he was the “worst Interview we did.” McDowell continued to hurt himself by blaming the Michigan State coaching staff for not using him properly. Blaming your coaching staff is not a good strategy for a job interview with the NFL especially when that coaching staff is under Mark Dantonio. Rather it speaks poorly of your character and makes you look uncoachable.