Is Nick Saban the reincarnation of Carthaginian General Hannibal Barca?

 

Allen Kellogg,

Rome, Italy

 

Nick Saban has established himself as the greatest college football coach of his time. When asked about his success, he will talk about “the process.” Recently evidence suggests that “the process” is not the sole reason for his success. Nick Saban is actually the reincarnated soul of one of the greatest generals in world history. The famous Carthaginian general, Hannibal.

For those not familiar with the history of the ancient world, Hannibal Barca is an icon in military history. Carthage was a North African empire based in modern day Tunisia. Carthage and Rome were rivals who fought in three of the bloodiest wars in the ancient world. Rome would go on to completely obliterate Carthage at the end of the 3rd Punic war. During the Second Punic war, Hannibal led a Carthaginian army, including several war elephants, from Spain across the Alps into Roman Italy in 217 BC. For seven years he rampaged all over Italy obliteration any Roman army that crossed his path. At Cannae, he pulled of one of the greatest military maneuvers of all time. Outnumbered nearly 2-1 he destroyed the largest Roman field army in history killing an estimated 100,000 roman soldiers.

What exactly do Nick Saban and Hannibal have in common? Well it turns out quite a bit.

Nick Saban, like Hannibal has a burning hatred of Rome. It dates back to his time at Michigan State. As the leader of the Spartans, Saban remained bitter of the Roman conquest of Greece in 146 BC. Evidence of his hatred of Rome was seen when Saban scoffed at Michigan head coach, Jim Harbaugh, announcing he would be taking his team to Rome over spring break.

When Hannibal was just a little boy, his father Hamilcar made his son swear a blood oath to never give the Romans a moments peace. New documents out of Tuscaloosa that this was the same blood oath Nick Saban took when he signed his first contract with Alabama. Part of the deal is that he swore to never give the rest of the SEC a moments peace

Hannibal and Saban have the same winning percentage; 77.1%. Saban is 205-61-1 while Hannibal went 3-1 in major battles and 165-37 in skirmishes. Saban does not tolerate insubordination. He forced Lane Kiffin to resign right before a national championship. In a ironically similar move Hannibal crucified the sub commander in charge of his Numidian cavalry right before his great defeat at Zama.

However the most damning evidence are rumors of infant sacrifices in Tuscaloosa. Ancient Carthage was a polytheistic society. The head god was Baal Hamon. To keep Baal appeased, the Carthaginians would cast infants in to a pit of flames. Forensic evidence has found the skeletons of infants in former Carthaginian holy sites. Rumors of child sacrifices have followed Saban for years. Alabama State Troopers and Tuscaloosa PD refuse to discuss the issue and no missing children have been reported. The only response we could get from those asked is a “ROLL DAMN TIDE.”

However hospital records in Tuscaloosa show that nearly 200 infants are unaccounted for. These babies have birth certificates, but any other documentation to show this child existed cannot be found. Seven miles south of Bryant-Denny stadium is a pit hidden in deep in the back woods of Alabama. It is guarded 24/7 365, but not by law enforcement officers. These mysterious guards refer to themselves as the “sacred band” which was also the name of the elite soldiers of Carthage. Alabama fans consider the Crimson Tide to be a religion. Every Saturday they sing praises of Nick Saban and their god, “Foot Baal.”

Nick Saban refuses to acknowledge any connection to the Carthaginian general, however he does have a stone bust of Hannibal in his office and speaks highly of the general’s leadership. Don’t forget both men have an elephant on their banner.

 

Advertisements

How to Ruin Your Draft Stock and Cost Yourself Millions of Dollars

 

WARNING – The following story contains things that are actually mostly accurate.

By Allen Kellogg
Indianapolis, IN

The NFL combine is a place where prospective NFL rookies can show of their speed, strength, and athleticism. Some players helped themselves by running lightning quick 40-yard-dashes or proving their strength by benching 225lbs multiple times. Other players decided to shoot themselves in the foot and cost themselves large amounts of money by running their mouths.

 
Tim Williams LB Alabama

Williams was viewed before the combine as a possible 1st rounder, another stud linebacker out of Alabama in the mold of Dont’a Hightower, Reggie Ragland or C.J. Mosley. However, William chose to talk about how many drug test he failed at Alabama. “Oh yeah. I have failed some,” Williams said. While I commend him for his honesty, his method could have been better. Rather than talking about the test he failed, why not talk about how long he has been clean? I am not going to call this kid a bad guy because he likes to smoke weed, but the NFL has shown itself to be more than willing to kick a talented player out of the NFL for smoking pot. Williams compares well to former Nebraska star Randall Gregory. Both are excellent pass rushers and like to smoke. Gregory dropped into the second round before being picked up by the Cowboys with the 60th pick. Gregory has already gotten in trouble with the NFL’s drug testing protocol 4 times despite being in the league for only two years. He will spend the 2017 season suspended for missing another drug test. Williams has a ton of talent, but when scouts say they are worried that he has a “Randy Gregory like problem,” you know he is going to fall in the draft.

 
Reuben Foster LB Alabama

 
Roll Tide! Foster distinguished himself at Alabama and was considered a lock to be one of the first 10 players taken off the board. He is the current Butkus Award winner and the leading tackler for the Crimson Tide. Foster is recovering from surgery and was not expected to run drills, but was expected to interview with multiple teams. Those never happened. Foster got in a confrontation with a medical staffer and was sent home. Sources says Foster became agitated while waiting in line with and said something to one of the medical officers who took offense. Foster said something along the lines of “Bruh, do you know who I am I will bust your skinny ass.” The NFL sent him home and he missed speaking with 16 teams. The Combine is like the first job interview. It’s tedious and annoying, but everybody has to do it and it’s just part of the process. Failing that interview is going to take a bite out of Foster’s potential earnings.

 
Malik McDowell DT Michigan State

 
McDowell before the combine could have been a top 3 pick. That won’t happen now. McDowell reportedly bombed the interview section. One NFL team said he was the “worst Interview we did.” McDowell continued to hurt himself by blaming the Michigan State coaching staff for not using him properly. Blaming your coaching staff is not a good strategy for a job interview with the NFL especially when that coaching staff is under Mark Dantonio. Rather it speaks poorly of your character and makes you look uncoachable.

Texas Legislature Approves Construction of a Wall to Protect Texas ‘Croots

 

Austin, TX
by Allen Kellogg

The Texas State legislature passed a bill to build a wall along the eastern, western, and northern borders of the state. The wall will be used to prevent college coaches from other states raiding croots from Texas.

Gov Greg Abbott proclaimed he has a plan in place to make Oklahoma, the SEC (sans A&M), FSU, USC, Stanford, and any other schools taking prospects from the state of Texas pay for it. Funding for the border will come from two main sources, there will be a six-figure fee for coaches and other staff members to attend Texas High School games and talk to the players they want to croot. Another source of funding for the wall will be a 1000 percent tax on aviation fuel purchased in the state of Texas by coaching staffs.

Once competed the wall will be more than 1000 miles long with multiple check points across to prevent coaching staffs from other schools getting in. The border defense will also include surface-to air missiles(SAM) to shoot down aircraft attempting to sneak into Texas airspace. The chairman of Academi, a private military company formerly known as Blackwater, and notable Texas booster Red McCombs said he would provide security forces at the wall at no cost to the tax payer of Texas.

“This wall is about securing our borders and keeping other schools from raiding our croots,” Texas State Representative, Jeb Hensarling said. “This project will provide thousands of job to Texans both in the construction of the wall and at Lockheed Martin who will manufacture our SAMs. With our borders secure, football in the state of Texas will be great again.”

Critics of the wall mainly come from other states who are concerned about the personal freedom of the players to choose whatever school they want. Gov. Abbott addressed this concern by saying the players are free to attend any school they want, but the university will have to pay substantially for the privilege.

The POTUS expressed concern that Texas was more interested in building a wall on the northern border rather than the southern border. Texas schools unanimously rejected the southern border because they hoped to find future kickers coming to Texas.

Construction on the wall is expected to begin in early 2018.

Due to Diversity Concerns, Three SEC Teams Will Change Mascots

By Matt Coffelt
Atlanta, Georgia

In a press conference on Tuesday morning, South Eastern Conference Commissioner Greg Sankey said the conference is moving forward with name changes for three teams to promote more diversity among SEC schools.

“The SEC is continually committed to promoting diversity. It is necessary for our collegiate atmospheres to continue to evolve in order to offer the best experiences possible to our students,” Sankey said. “The SEC is the greatest college football conference in the world and to maintain that title, the SEC can no longer abide so many of its member schools having duplicate mascots. The Yankees up North are laughing at us Southern Folk saying we aren’t creative at all.”

This new policy refers to three schools(Louisiana State, Auburn, and Missouri) who currently have a Tiger as their mascot and two others (Georgia and Mississippi State) who share the Bulldog. In order to accommodate this executive order, 3 schools will have to change their mascot.

The LSU and Missouri mascots date back to the Civil War. Soldiers from Louisiana and Missouri were called Tigers because of their ferocious reputation on the battlefield. Auburn says their team name comes from an Oliver Goldsmith poem entitled “The Deserted Village” written in 1770.

Mississippi State has used several names in the past such as the “Maroons” or “Aggies.” The university formerly adopted the name “Bulldogs” when the school was granted university status in the 1930’s. Georgia’s mascot was originally a goat and then two years later a white bull terrier. The school formerly adopted the name “Bulldogs” in the 1930’s.

When asked which schools would be permitted to keep their current mascot and which schools would have to select a new one, Sankey said the conference has not selected the best criteria to make an impartial decision.

“We haven’t ironed out the nitty gritty yet,” Stankey said when questioned about details on the plan. “The two leading options are allowing my boss, Nick Saban, to decide or making the head coaches fight it out in a cage match. All I know is that both LSU and Mizzou both got their mascots from the Civil War, and we’ll be following the Ole Miss example of moving away from these archaic symbols of the hatred and the past.”

When asked for comment, new LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron said, “De quoi parle cet homme avec le micro?”

It is assumed he was answering in his native Creole, or something, and was greatly upset by the move and potential threat to his school’s heritage. Other LSU fan expressed outrage over the proposed change. One fan said the name was about the state’s heritage, not hatred and resistance to the federal government. One man who is happy about the potential name change is LSU Athletic Director, Joe Alleva.

“LSU fans are the best and most loyal fans in the world,” Alleva said. “We can use this opportunity to sell each one of our fans new merchandise with the new name and sell vintage LSU Tigers gear at a huge mark up. With that extra money we can finally install an effective security system for our stadium and LSU will be able to commission a study on how to complete a forward pass. I guarantee the name change will be a huge financial windfall to our football program and I promise none of the money will go towards book learning or fixing the glory holes in the library.”

No official timeline for the transition was announced at the press conference, but Sankey did suggest that it would be effective sometime between the end of spring football practices and the start of the football season when the fewest possible collegiate fans would be paying attention. LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Georgia, and Mississippi State are already reaching out to alums and students about a possible name change.

UCLA Head Coach announces new 3 year plan for UCLA football

By Allen Kellogg
Los Angeles, California

UCLA head football coach, Jim Mora Jr. announced that UCLA will undergo three years of hibernation where the team will focus on conditioning, team building, practice, and the development of an all new playbook. Mora said UCLA and their fans are tied of getting killed by their fellow Pac-12 schools and he believes that three years of hibernation will result in a new and vigorous program when the school decides to emerge from their slumber.

“A lot of thought went into this new three year plan,” Mora said. “Bruins are bears and as a result they need to hibernate to preserve their strength. Our players will get faster and stronger and because we aren’t playing any games. We won’t have to follow the NCAA’s rules limiting practice. I thought long and hard about this and after consulting my dad and my guru, I know I made the right decision.”

Mora said their players will still have the opportunity to play in the NFL. He said his new practice techniques have been developed with his father, former NFL head coach Jim Mora, and are specifically designed to prep UCLA’s players for the NFL. Jim Mora said Miles Jack’s serious knee injury and his departure from UCLA helped to inspire him to focus his program more on prepping players for the NFL rather than winning a Pac 12 championship. “The NFL is the goal for serious football players,” Mora said. “Here at UCLA, we are all about serious football players.”

Reaction from UCLA’s current players was mixed. Some players expressed disappointment, but most are optimistic about how this new hibernation program is going to improve their NFL stock.

“I came to college to prepare for my future in the NFL,” UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen said. “UCLA isn’t paying me to win games so I am kinda glad I don’t have to risk a serious injury playing in games behind an offensive line that can’t protect me. I also like that scouts won’t be able to criticize my game tape anymore. First round status, here I come.”

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott said he was disappointed UCLA’s football program is going to undergo three years of hibernation, but he understood that it was the school’s decision to pursue a new direction for the football team. UCLA football with be replaced in the Pac-12 by UC Davis for the three seasons. UC Davis president, Janet Napolitano, announced that UC Davis will receive 5 percent of the revenue generated by the Pac-12’s media deals. The remaining 95 percent will still go to UCLA.

Questions remain about whether or not three years of hibernation will help the Bruins football program. Some have argued that UCLA football will collapse and that no ‘croots will sign with a football program that doesn’t play any games. Others say that UCLA’s emphasis on NFL preparations will attract better players into the program and that without eligibility requirements, UCLA can attracted future NFL stars who aren’t concerned with playing school.

With the Big XII’s Future Uncertain, Should TCU Change It’s Name?

 

by Allen Kellogg

Fort Worth, Texas

Most experts agree the Big 12 will probably die in 2025 when the grant of rights keeping the conference together expire. Consensus opinion suggests that power 5 conferences will become four 16 team super conferences. The Big 12 is the least stable of the power 5 conferences and also the smallest. Large, distinguished athletic programs like Texas, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and Kansas will certainly find spots, but a smaller, less research oriented school like TCU may struggle to receive a super conference invite.

Of the four possible landing spots, the Pac-12 seems the most likely. Association of American Universities membership is a requirement for the Big 10. The SEC already has a Texas schools and A&M will likely resist any additional Texas schools attempting to join. The ACC is a poor fit geographically. This leaves the Pac-12 as the only hope for TCU.

The Pac-12 attempted to grab schools like Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State when the Big 12 nearly collapsed back in 2010, so we know they have expressed interest in expansion into Texas. A significant portion of new TCU students are coming in from California. California has nearly surpassed Texas as the main state where students come from. TCU also has schedule numerous out of conference games with Pac-12 schools. Sanford, Cal, and Colorado are future TCU opponents.

Some people believe that the school’s current name could be an issue should TCU attempt to join the Pac-12. BYU attempted to join back in 2010, but was rejected for cultural reasons. Many believe that BYU’s requirement that all teaching and research must fall in line with The Church of Latter Day Saints beliefs. Academic freedom is a big deal to the member schools and although TCU does have language protecting academic freedoms and does not require research and teachings to work with church doctrine, others have express skepticism that a school with the word “Christian” in the name would be accepted into the Pac-12.

The last thing TCU and its fans want to see is TCU relegated back a lower tier of college athletics as they were when the South West Conference dissolved. For that reason, here are some suggestions for potential name changes for TCU that will allow it to join the Pac-12:

  • Texas Construction University- Pretty sure they told this joke to everyone at orientation. You can’t go anywhere on campus without seeing a crane. I went back to campus after three years away and the whole campus was unrecognizable.
  • Texas Commonwealth University- Sounds fancy right?
  • Texas Chronic University- Four out of six Pac-12 states have legal marijuana. Marijuana is extremly popular on the left coast. Weed was extremely popular while I was at TCU. Not everyone smoked weed, but everyone knew somebody that did. With a name like this schools on the left coast are going to want to associate with us.
  • Texas Christian(Catholic, Armenian Christian, Assyrian Christian, Lollards, Orthodox, Lutheran, Evangelical, Anglican, Calvinist, Reformed, Born Again, Presbyterian, Amish, Mennonite, Methodist, Non-Baylor-Baptist, Pentacostal, Quaker, Adventist, Mormon, and fuck the Westboro Baptist Church I hope they burn in hell), Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Shinto, Buddhist, Wiccan, Sikhism, Heathenism, THE Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Voodoo, Taoism, Confusionism, Zoroastrian, Rastafarian, Druid, and any other faiths who are welcome at our University- or TC(CACACLOLEACRBAPAMMnBBPQAMaftWBCihtbih)MHAAJSBWSHTCotFSMVTCZRDaaofwawaoU for short. This is a name that will say that every faith (other than Baylor Baptists and the Westboro Baptist church are welcome on our campus. The Pac-12 is big into acceptance and I believe this name could give us an edge.
  • AddRan Male & Female College-going with the school’s original 1873 name. We were actually the first Co Ed school in Texas so this highlights diversity and progressiveness which the Pac 12 loves.
  • Texas College University- so learn, much smart, many class, long study, top school
  • Texas Compassion University- We will be your friend on the journey of learning.
  • Texas Condom University- Trojan(USC) approved!

Nick Saban Demands Battle Ready Carbon Exoskeletons in the Name of Player Safety

By Allen Kellogg
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Nick Saban is lobbying the NCAA to allow Alabama players to wear carbon exoskeletons in practice and games. He claims that these battle suits are in the name of player safety. The exoskeletons are made of military grade carbon fiber and titanium and according to multiple studies and they are able to prevent 98 percent of injuries including an 85 percent reduction in concussions.

“These suits are the future of football,” said Nick Saban, “We are talking about a system that reduces the impact on my players brains and bodies. This is a revolution in football.”

Critics argue that the new battle suits will give Alabama an unfair advantage The suits can boost a players raw strength by 56 percent and increase speed by 40 percent. This allows Alabama players to impart nearly three times the amount of force onto their opponents.

The suits were developed for the US Army as a force multiplier. It was supposed to enable soldiers to carrier heavier combat weapons and allow them to fight for longer. However, the exoskeletons cost roughly $15M so the Army decided not to adopt the machines. Instead all the machines were sold to the University of Alabama for an undisclosed sum.

When Saban was asked if he would share the technology with other schools, he said no. Saban said it was up to the schools to protect their players and if they didn’t want to pay 8 figures to protect their students, that was on the school. He also refused to divulge the company who provided Alabama the advanced military technology.

The advanced robotic technology and futuristic materials have several other advanced features. There is a laser rangefinder that was developed to direct heavy artillery fire and track fast flying combat jets and helicopters. Alabama has modified this technology to allow receivers to track footballs in the air which helps their receivers come down with the ball.

Nick Saban insisted that features like the laser tracking system and speed increases are not against NCAA rules and should be allowed on the field.

Brian Kelly yells at wall, Blames “Touchdown Jesus” for Notre Dame’s 4-8 Season.

By Allen Kellogg

South Bend, Indiana

Notre Dame head football coach, Brian Kelly, found a new person to blame for a disappointing season. Kelly stood in front of the 134 ft tall “Word of Life” mural and hurled obscenities and blame at the image popularly known as Touchdown Jesus. Kelly then began to throw rocks and beer bottles at the image before being calmed down by Notre Dame security.

“It was just to awful to hear those words being said about Jesus,” Notre Dame freshman Hayley Gordon said, “I was taught to believe that we do everything the right way here at Notre Dame, but after hearing Coach Kelly say those horrible thing, I just don’t know.”
Kelly then called a press conference and attempted to explain his actions. His face was purple with rage as he took the podium. Kelly said that Touchdown Jesus was to blame for many misfortunes of the Fighting Irish including the weather, fan support, and the work ethic and motivation of his players.

“That f***ing guy [Touchdown Jesus] is supposed to be all powerful. He is the son of God and he can’t fucking stop a hurricane from ruining our game against NC State,” Kelly said, “I’ve won big games in the past so I know it’s not my fault. The weather in that NC State game was horse shit. I wanted sun shine, but I got rain.”

Kelly said that his players look to Touchdown Jesus for motivation and to inspire them to play like champions. Kelly said the blame for Notre Dame’s 2-4 home record rest firmly on the murals head.

“Obliviously that didn’t happen this year. Jesus didn’t do his damn job,” Kelly said. “I work my ass off for this school and then I get betrayed but that clown? Who does he think he is? Now I hear he is getting cozy with Dabo Sweeney down at Clemson. That guy is a total Judas; You just can’t trust him.”

“It’s so difficult to try and coach a championship football team with him judging you over your shoulder,” Kelly said. “I feel his smug face second guessing me on the sideline.”
Kelly added that it was not his fault Notre Dame got caught by the NCAA when a student trainer wrote essays for football players. He said the blame rested firmly with the trainer, players, and Touchdown Jesus for not monitoring his players and keeping them out of trouble. He said that Touchdown Jesus was responsible for his players getting arrested as well; they should have learned some morals from the mural.

Kelly ended his press conference by yelling at an intern for his bottle of water not being cold enough. He then stormed out saying he couldn’t wait to leave Notre Dame once he gets offered an NFL head coaching job.

Former Notre Dame Quarterback and potential first round draft pick, DeShone Kizer, said he was glad to be leaving Notre Dame so he could be rid of Coach Kelly. “I learned a lot from that guy, but man he is an asshole,” Kizer said.

Notre Dame Athletic Director, Jack Swarbrick, said he wanted to fired Brian Kelly. However because the school just finished paying a buyout to former head coach Charlie Weis, his hands are tied. He acknowledged that fans, students, and alums are upset with Kelly’s recent performance, but reiterated that Brain Kelly was their best choice for head coach and that no one wanted to see Tyron Willingham or Charlie Weis 2.0. Swarbrick said he reached out to former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz and asked him to meet with Kelly to work on his anger issues. Brian Kelly has not responded whether or not he will meet with Holtz.

Dabo Swinney founds New Church to celebrate Deshaun Watson

By Allen Kellogg
Clemson, South Carolina

Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney announced his new church this afternoon, The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Watson. Deshaun Watson is a former Clemson starting quarterback who defeated Alabama in the national championship and according to Sweeney a future NFL Star. Services will be held every Saturday and on every other Wednesday.

It just came to me in a vision Swinney said. He also said he ate nothing but Todaro’s pizza for 40 days and 40 nights in the hope that God would speak to him.

“The good lord came down to me and we spoke face to face,” Swinney said.”He just told me that Deshaun was his true son and that he was the second coming of Touchdown Jesus. I knew God was a Clemson fan, how else could we have beaten Nick Saban if God was not on our side? When the lord spoke to me he just told me how it was and what I needed to do. He just told me to build a church, the grandest of churches to Deshaun and to honor him before each game.”

“When you look at Deshaun what do you see? Just a QB? Well you’re wrong. That man is the most honest, hard-working, humble, good, and righteous man I have ever met,” Swinney said. “He made everyone on this team better and didn’t take any credit for it himself. With traits like that how could he not be the second coming of Touchdown Jesus.”

Swinney said that Watson was the obvious number one pick and that God told him that it was his will that he should be drafted by the Browns. Watson would forgive the Browns fans for their sins. Sins like destroying the stadium when the team announced it was moving or sending death threats to ownership.

“The people of Cleveland have been mislead by a false prophet, Robert Griffin,” Swinney said. “The man claimed to be perfect man and quarterback, but pride comes just before the fall and fall he has. He [Bob Griffin] wrapped himself in the scripture, but it was a lie. He did not honor his wife or child and if you look at the name Robert Griffin Third all you need to do is mover one letter and you get 6-6-6. Deshaun is going to save them.”

“Once the fans hear his gospel they will cast down the false prophet and allow Deshaun to lead them on a crusade to vanquish Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the Patriots. Then finally Deshaun is going to lead the Browns to the promise land. A land of milk, honey, and love. A Super Bowl,” Swinney said.

Swinney insisted the Bob Griffin is the Anti-Christ and that Watson will defeat him in the Brown’s quarterback competition in training camp. “He [Watson] is going to banish that man from the NFL,” Swinney said. “The goodness inside Deshaun is too much for Griffin. He is going to be banished to the Canadian Football league where he will remain in that frozen wasteland.”

Swinney said God told him the exact dimensions of his new church. It is to be 100 cubits long by 40 cubits wide and in the shape and color of a giant football. In the middle there will be a solid, gold statue of Watson preparing to draw his fake bow. Every member of the congregation will receive a slice of pepperoni pizza once they have been baptized in a stream of Gamecock fans’ tears. He also said he is giving the team an extra four weeks off in the spring so he can write the first book of his new bible, the First Book of Dabotoci.

When asked about the other Clemson players who had declared for the NFL Draft Swinney said he loves them and wishes them well, but he can’t allow them to distract him from his holy mission. He finished his press conference with a reading from Dabotoci and a prayer.

“And lo on the day before the day of the new year the chosen son of Clemson faced down the Buckeye. He prayed for God to give him the strength to vanquish his foe. The whistle sounded and Touchdown Jesus let fly and a wave of arrows to smite the beast. God was with him for on that day Ohio State scored zero points. God’s chosen people stormed the field, bringing their own guts. Then Deshaun Watson took a knee and gave thanks then he prayed for the souls of his vanquished foe that they may know peace. Watson then offered up a pizza as a sacrifice and God blessed that pizza so that Touchdown Jesus was able to feed 300,000 with that one pizza.” Dabotoci 31:0

“Lord we give thanks that you us send us Touchdown Jesus. We give thanks that the Bulldawgs ignored his gospel. We thank you keeping us humble and giving us the determination we needed for this season in 2015. We praise you for making the winds of fate blow Bambard’s kick wide left. We humbly give thanks that you taught us to stay hungry when we faced the City of Steel’s eaters of feces. We sing your praises for vanquishing the evil nut. It was your true strength that allowed us to banish Nick Saban, his false Idol Baal, and Elephant riders. We celebrate your glory every time we gaze upon the shiny trophy. Thou hast led us to Victory and soon shall be the savior of Cleveland. In your name we pray. Go Tigers.”

God could not be reached for comment.

Rutgers, the real Defensive Back University

by Allen Kellogg

Piscataway, New Jersey

Since 2010, Rutgers University is the top school in the nation for championship defensive backs. LSU, FSU, Miami, Texas, South Carolina, Ohio State and Florida all refer to themselves with the title of “DBU,” but none can match the achievements of Rutger’s corners and safeties in the NFL.

 
These schools use many different metrics to fool people into thinking they’re the school which produces top notch NFL defensive backs. Some use pro bowls, other uses draft numbers or first round picks, but none of these metrics really matter. The only thing that matters in the NFL is winning a Super Bowl. Since 2010, five defensive backs from Rutgers have been drafted into the NFL, three of them already have Super Bowl rings and could win another next Sunday. That rate of 60 percent is higher than any other college. Kansas are Oregon are second, with 40 percent of their DB’s drafted during that time period NFL having won a Super Bowl.

 
The AFC champion New England Patriots have three defensive backs from Rutgers, all of whom are starters. Devin McCourty is the former Defensive Rookie of the Year and an All-Pro free safety. Logan Ryan is a starting cornerback and sure to be one of the most coveted free agent prizes in the offseason next to his fellow Patriot corner, and Super Bowl hero, Malcolm Butler. Finally Duron Harmon is the Patriot’s starting nickel corner and has proven to be one of the top nickel corners in the league. During the Patriot’s opening playoff game against the Texans, McCourty, Ryan, and Harmon each had an interception. This not only was the first time 3 players from the same school recorded an interception in a postseason game, but the first time in NFL history this occurred.

 
“These guys out of Rutgers have been phenomenal,” said Patriots Head Coach Bill Bellichick, “They all came ready to work from day one and have put in a ton of effort. That school[Rutgers] really has a great training program for defensive backs. They are all great athletes who can play many different types of coverage, and most importantly, know how to tackle. Now it’s up to me and the rest of the coaching staff to get them ready for Atlanta, who have the best passing attack I have probably seen in my time in the NFL.”

 
Devin McCourty’s twin brother Jason McCourty, who also played DB at Rutgers and now plays for the Tennessee Titans, said Rutgers really changed the way he prepared before the game and the skills he learned at Rutgers made him a better corner.

 
“Our pass rush was so terrible when I was at school it was really up to us to hold down the pass defense,” Jason McCourty said, “Teams were scared to try and throw on us so we also go a lot of experience in learning how to tackle as they ran over our defensive line and linebackers.”

 
Patriots Defensive Coordinator Matt Patricia said that guys from Rutgers came in with a chip on their shoulder. He said players from other schools had gotten by on raw athleticism alone and most didn’t really know how to play the position in the NFL.

 
“You can get away with not knowing as much about the game in college, but in the NFL everyone is a world class athlete. It’s the guys who took the time to really learn to position that have the most impact.” Patricia said.

 
Defensive backs aren’t they only pro product from Rutgers, Rutgers leads all other schools with five alums in the super bowl. Four with the Patriots and Mohamed Sanu of the Falcons. Three other schools are tied with four.

 
These figures speak volumes about former Rutgers and Tampa Bay Head Coach, and current Ohio State defensive coordinator, Greg Schiano. His ability to turn underrated HS prospects into NFL starters is second to none. Schiano said most of the credit for the DB’s coming out of Rutgers should go to defensive back coaches like Chris Hewitt (Ravens), Jeff Pinkham (Western Michigan), and Robb Smith (Minnesota). Schiano says he hopes to turn around a disturbing trend with Urban Meyer’s defensive backs.

 
Under Urban Meyer, both Florida and Ohio State have had 14 defensive backs drafted. They have the same number of Super Bowl rings combined as points Ohio State scored in the Fiesta Bowl against Clemson; none.

 
Schiano will soon find another head coaching job. The players he has helped produce for the league speak for themselves. Schiano failed as coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but his body of work proves that he is one of the best developmental coaches in college football today. Just as Rutgers has proven to be where teams can find championship cornerbacks and safeties.